Friday, August 31, 2007

I am not Amused

At last....a day when I feel pretty well, have no agenda, and have to stay home to sign for a medication delivery. No excuses...I have time, I have every conceivable supply, and no outside distractions. I SHOULD paint! (but notice, I'm blogging instead)

Had you noticed in my little bio on the side bar, I am/was a professional artist? I have completed only a couple of commissioned works in the last 5 years. A few of them were a struggle. I have not completed a painting on my own that I have been happy with since my fine motor skills and my ability to recognize certain colors and contrasts deserted me.

My "mission" has been to "get with it". Then guilt sets in.....I slept, I couldn't sit at desk too long, I'm tired, I'm hurting, or I'm seriously medicated (and not in a good way)

Could be fear. I have always been an artist....It has been part of my identity. I want to reclaim that part of my life! I keep wanting to turn out work comparable to what I did previously. Then I get discouraged.

I know I can do it. I have to allow myself to find my new style. I need to quit trying to do tight realistic renderings. I need to THROW PAINT!!! And I need to commit to showing up a little each day to do it.

I googled "muse". (How do you think the ancient Greeks and Romans got in touch with them without Google?) There's one for dance, one for bucolic poetry, astronomy, 9 in all....none for the painter or sculpter??? Geeesh...have to find something or someone else to call on to amuse me.

Found this quote: The painter Chuck Close put it very boldly: “Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up.”

Well, I'm not an amateur. I'm a pro with a little demyelinating disease. I INTEND to show up. I may even make a commitment to show up daily! Ohhhh scary...every other day? We'll see. I'm going to TRY.

So fellow blogsters, if you don't see a post for a few days, you will know I quit thinking and talking about it, and hopefully am actually DOING it. I'm not expecting museum quality, or any quality...I just need to get my brushes dirty and see what happens.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Wanna know a secret?

Big Sigh

I've been a reader of Jung, Joseph Campbell, Allan Watts, Zukov and even theoretical physicists explaining quantum mechanics for many years.

If nothing else, this Bubbie is very open minded and fairly well read.. Very little surprises me, many things strike me as absurd, and some things just piss me off.

I do believe in personal power. I believe that you can choose to be miserable and make everyone around you the same, or you can choose to make the best of things by changing your attitude. If you expect the worst in people or situations my bet is that you will not be disappointed. Should you spend your time focusing on all the negatives (your health, the environment, the economy, GWB...) that's where your focus will bring you...more schtuff to bitch about. I've done it, and I'm sure I'll do it again, but I know I don't want to dig a hole and stay there. I try to find the humor in it, or if it's something I can do something about, like write a letter, or vote, I do it.

****note: I'm sure that's why I get singled out for extra security check every time I fly.....lots of letters*****

Back to my rant-o-the-day

I often get inspirational emails. Some are serious, some are fun and some, well.... lets say deleting doesn't do them justice. They need to suffer, maybe be sent to Gitmo or..... ( ut oh, my mind is going places it should not go). you know THE SECRET ????????????

Yes you know the book everyone was talking about this past year. Oprah knows The Secret. can do or have anything you desire on this physical plane of existence just by thinking it, expecting it and feeeeeeling it.

So..."What's your problem? " I ask in my best imitation Jersey accent.

This just in Bubbie's inbox:

, AWAY. You could have every deadly disease known to man, within
you, today, and if you chose different feeling thoughts tomorrow, they would all
leave your body. They are not physical things that have jumped into you. They
are the reflection of your not allowing your natural Connection. It's nothing
more complicated than choosing better feeling thoughts. For example, you just
had a weak moment, and now you feel guilty. Guilt causes cancer, and all kinds
of other things. You felt fear. Fear causes cancer. Fear or anger or jealousy,
or guilt, are your indicator that the thought you are choosing is contradictory
to, and is, hindering, the Source Energy. The key is to not give anything that
you do not want much of your attention. As soon as you realize it doesn't feel
good — do your very best to turn your attention someplace else.

Then this:

Sickness is not because cells have turned bad. Sickness is
because cells are not being allowed the fullness of the Energy response. It's
sort of like an electrical short. Mending a physical body is the simplest thing
in the Universe, because the cells are eager to transmit and receive. Universal
Energy, or God Force, is eager to transmit and receive. And if the consciousness
involved, which is the personality that you know as you, is in an open and
receiving way, then those responses can be restored in the moment -- in this

Hey...if this works for you, fine. Let me know how it goes.

If like me, you are finding this irritating, nauseating, appalling ...telling you that YOU are responsible for your condition or disease you can rant and bitch with me.

Then we'll go sip some fragrant tea, as we bask in the warmth of the sun, on Ms.O's veranda overlooking the Hawaiian coastline as we ooh and ahh the pretty flowers and rainbows. I know I'll feel sooooo much better then.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Eulogy for Dorothy

This is a Eulogy for Dorothy.
He passed quite suddenly and peacefully in the waters of his bowl in my living room this morning without having shown any previous signs of Fishy Illness.
He has gone to Beta Fish Heaven from where he will no doubt return often to this earthly plane to haunt me for having named him Dorothy.
No autoposy was performed. A burial at sea was conducted immediately. Not surprisingly the Funeral Director suffered a serious episode of I.E. immediately following the service.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Another One Down

This could not wait for tomorrow’s post. I haven’t been too political YET. This was too good to pass up.

The Attorney General has announced his resignation today.

He Didn't Recall! * He Didn't Remember!* He Did Not Recollect!

Gonzales ended his two-year tenure with a controversial record and many critics. He now joins a long list of high-profile White House resignations. The embattled Attorney General was linked to a warrant less wiretapping program, the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys, and was responsible for the so-called torture memos.

I have Dain Bramage and I remember more than he does.

I'll do the Happy Dance Tonight because tomorrow we may have a new appointee.

A Matter of Perspective

My little Granddaughter was a bit younger here, not by too much. They grow so fast. She was a tiny baby, but not THAT tiny. The picture was taken at a children's science museum and that's a really big chair.

I usually have a point to illustrate with my pics, and this was a tough one.

Last year this time, my ex neurologist told me as I was leaving his office, dragging my right foot behind me on the way to front office, "You are doing fine. You're stable."

This was after explaining my dismay about my relatively new and bothersome symptoms that have been added to my ever growing Things-to-Contend-with List.

I growled something to the effect of, "You're speaking clinically! This is subjective! I am the subject.This sucks!"

I must have looked at him with THAT LOOK. You know the one that says my brain is overflowing with really vicious vocabulary and I wish I had something heavy to hurl at your groin.

He kept a safe distance while replying, "It's a matter of Perspective".

I was really upset. I paid my bill and let all those vicious words out as soon as I reached my car.

His words at that moment upset me more than anything.

(By the way, this is not why he's my ex neuro. I liked and respected the man very much.)

Come home, still fuming. Bubbie's Hubby asks, "What did Spock say?" (his manner has been previously defined as more Vulcan than Bones)

"I'm fine. Stable in fact. Just freakin GREAT!", I answer in a tone that tells him it's best not to ask anymore.

It works for about 20 minutes. He asks again. This time I exploded. The jest of it was: I'm fine, freaking fine. Despite the fact that I can't feel anything. Everything is either numb or on fire. I'm exhausted. My eyes are weird. I drag one leg around that feels like it weighs a freakin' ton, and I have a box of medical supplies in the bathroom that remind me every freakin time I have to pee that I have freakin MS. I'm stable! (obviously not emotionally, so cautiously, physical space is given)

Life went on. In the next few days and weeks, those words really bothered me. "Matter of perspective" hit a nerve. (no MS pun intended) I was really angry. I thought about it a lot. It took some time to realize that I was not mad at him, (Spock) and that it really was A Matter of Perspective. And, that's something that I often have to remind myself of.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

What's your hat?

I remember an episode of I Love Lucy were Lucy is upset about something. It was always something. All it took to cheer her up was buying a new hat.

I don't wear hats.

I've been thinking about it. What are the equivalents to my "hats"?

I bought myself a present recently. It wasn't my intention at first. I actually found myself talking myself into the purchase. It wasn't necessary. I didn't need it. It wasn't in my budget. That wasn't what I came here for.

Who was I kidding? I went to the greenhouse to buy potting supplies. I had a large orchid that needed re-potting. It was on my list to do for the weekend. Was it possible to walk through the aisles of beautiful blooming plants and not want one? I had to look at all the ones that were different than the one's I owned. Different size blooms, different color combinations, and the scents!
I spotted one. A little pricey I thought, so I walked around a little more, always coming back to that one. A hybrid cattleya.

It's mine now. I took great pleasure in potting it and giving it a suitable place to live amongst the others.

If you are interested this is my favorite place for buying plants. Tropiflora. I live close enough to go there, but they have a great online store and a fun read in owner Dennis', Cargo Report

I believe I have found one of my "Hats".

Do you have a "Hat"?

Friday, August 24, 2007

Kill the wabbit

This post is dedicated to my son, a grown man, who will soon have a good excuse to watch cartoons.

My son and daughter in law called last night with the news: I'm going to be a Double -Bubbie!!! (these are the newlyweds who shot the video of the boinking bears in July's post) We are thrilled.

"Ahhhhh", Bubbie's Hubby said, "You Killed the Wabitt!" (we're all on speaker phone)

"Huh???, Killed the rabbit? What the heck are you talking about?"

(Bubbie breaks out in fit of emotional incontinence)

They think we're nuts. The reference of the ancient pregnancy test flew over their heads. Accompanied by my laughter, we failed to diswade them of that notion.

My son said that now he will have a good excuse for watching cartoons. So, I dedicate this classic to him.

They are great kids.We love them dearly and wish them every happiness, and "Double-Bubbie" is more than fine with me!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Faux Pot

Nearly everyday I see a posting or a journal article about the medicinal benefits of cannabis (POT!) It's not like I needed convincing. Other countries that don't have such plebeian laws have recognized this long ago.

They (the powers that be) know that it's the cannabinoids containing the Delta 9 THC that attaches to special receptors in the brain.

It has been shown clinically (we won't discuss subjectively here ) to :

*relieve muscle spasms

*increase appetite

*reduce nausea

The FDA has approved a synthetic version of this naturally occurring compound. The very first drug made available is MARINOL who's proprietary ingredient is called dronabinol. They make it clear that it does not actually contain any marijuana. It is a synthesised version of the natural cannabinoid.

Marinol is approved to prescribe to cancer patients to combat side effects of chemotherapy and to aide HIV patients. It's only disclaimer:The most common adverse effects probably related to MARINOL are dizziness, euphoria, paranoid reaction, somnolence, thinking abnormal, abdominal pain, nausea and vomiting. Did they say adverse?

Nothing in this class of pseudo-ganja has been approved for Multiple Sclerosis, but studies have been done and more are underway. I was excited when I saw this headline today:

Cannabis could hold the key to ending multiple sclerosis misery

A team of scientists led by David Baker, Professor of Neuroimmunology at Queen Mary, University of London had some notable findings. They found that cannabis not only helped with the symptoms of neuropathic pain and spasms in Multiple Sclerosis but that it could significantly enhance therapy, not only by reducing nerve damage and erratic nerve impulses, but perhaps even by hindering development of the condition. They found it could block the autoimmune response and slow the disease progression!

So the article goes on with allot of medical jargon talking about the different receptors in the brain, especially the ones that cause those pesky aforementioned adverse side effects. After all this good news Doc Baker breaks the bummer:

"Professor David Baker said: “Whilst targeting CB1 receptors for therapy runs the risk of causing the unwanted “high” to achieve these effects, we can get the same result by targeting CB2 receptors, which avoids these risks. Therefore, we can start to think about using new drugs that harness the potential medical benefits that cannabis has to offer but move away from the issues over the legality and recreational use of the plant product”."

I predict...(what, you didn't know Bubbie was psychic???) They, the Big Pharma companies will continue playing in their respective labs concocting synthetic "oids" for medicinal use. The whole plant, as nature intended will not come into legal use until such time as the evil geniuses at Monsanto, DuPont, or ConAgra find a way to own the patent on the seeds, genetically engineer them, grow them and control the sale and use of the crop. Then we will be able to purchase it OTC where it will sit next to the sinus medications, and we can sign a registry (so they know WHO you are) pay the nice lady and go home and smoke a fat one.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Funny? Depends!

Odd things often strike me as funny. I’m not much on just a little demure “tee hee” or polite chuckle, it never happens that way. Well, maybe it begins that way, but the chuckle is forgotten as quickly as it gives way to something that more resembles convulsive fits.

The more inappropriate the situation, the more likely my beverage is to come out through my nose. When reason calls for a low profile, anonymity, or political correctness, and I am smitten (yes, I said smitten) by a word or situation that sends me reeling, I am the one covering my red, tear stained face, hoping no one asks and that they will just walk away wondering why I was crying.

Remember Ed Wynn’s character of Uncle Albert in Mary Poppins? That was my favorite segment of the movie. Maybe Uncle Albert and I suffer from the same affliction.

There have been many studies on laughter and the brain in healthy people and people with neurological diseases. Apparently I can be excused for my inappropriate responses.
Long before my diagnosis with MS, my family and I used to refer to the phenomenon as Inappropriate Emotional Response, a very serious, scientific sounding title. We have heard that there is even a drug prescribed for those with this grim sounding affliction.

But…be grim no more.

Today in my inbox I received a reputable MS newsletter that promised to discuss in full detail the cover topic:

EMOTIONAL INCONTINENCE! They gave it a new name!

The very name gave me an immediate mental picture of someone like me wearing an adult diaper on their head, and from there you can imagine the rest…..only if I had, I’d not still be wiping snotletts of this morning’s coffee off my keyboard and monitor.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

' Fessing Up

When I began this Blog, I told myself that I was just playing with the idea. I wanted to see what I could learn to do with a web page. I wanted to explore the media and learn as I went, to possibly sharpen my techi skills in hopes of someday having an e-biz to generate some much needed moola.

To my new internet friends and readers I have to say it was a
good try, but not completely honest.

I have MS, but said this was not an MS Blog.
What’s wrong with an MS blog? I read others. There is a need to connect and share and educate.

Am I hiding?

Is it denial?

I read some words today in a wonderfully written blog that hit a nerve: ( geeesh, nerve, not meant to be an MS pun)
“I do not mean to attract attention or invite sympathy.”

Is it cognitive dissonance? I see it as a double edged sword. One side of the sword is the need to express your concerns, fears, frustrations and grief over the life you’ve lost while the other side is self loathing of perceived weakness, whining and vulnerability.

Still, I don’t want Multiple Sclerosis to define me. I don’t want to give it any more of my attention, energy and focus than it deserves. I guess it’s not what happens to us in this life that matters, but how we handle what happens to us that count. I fear that sometimes I handle it badly, then cut myself some slack only to do it again.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Post MS Flare and Solumedrol part 2

My second day after finishing three days of infusion. This is how I feel:
Take this mandala, put it up in a giant IMAX theater, animate it so it spins, and stand somewhere in the center with nothing to hold on to.
I thought after solu, I would feel like Wonder Woman, not Superman covered in kryptonite.
I felt and functioned better in the height of the flare!
Now I want to know who coined the phrase (or should I say slogan), " I have MS but MS doesn't have me."? Was it a marketing manager at some drug company?
Get real...something sure as hell has me. I hope it lets go before I forget who I was.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Post MS flare and Solumedrol

This Mandala was sent to me recently with an explanation of it's significant chakra, and it's meaning for meditation. Sorry, but MS has mislabeled all the new data for the filing cabinets of my mind and I'll be damned if I can remember what it was all about, or what it should be filed under. I just know that I found it to be a pleasing symmetrical design to gaze at with a soothing color. (If anyone has more info...write on please)

Kinda trippy actually....almost looks like traveling through deep space with galaxies and stars whizzing past. Maybe it's inner space?

I generally don't feel comfortable writing about my experiences with MS. I don't want to complain, whine or rant. There ARE worse things than Multiple Sclerosis, but the fact remains MS does indeed Suck.

Today being the first day I an type with both hands, the IV do-hicky that was taped to the back of my right hand was removed this afternoon following the last of my 3 day Solumedrol treatment. This was my first experience with IV steroids. I know it's probably too soon to say but I had terrible times twice before with oral doses, so I feel this is a great improvement.

I guess I didn't realize just how bad my symptoms were flaring, just powering through them, with an "oh, well...I have MS" attitude. After the second day I was amazed at how much better I felt. I know it's not a cure, but a quick fix. It's a welcome one right now.

Other than extreme thirst and a pounding heart beat and a little anxiousness, I'm looking forward to getting back into a daily routine that will be less affected by MS symptoms and more by my desires.

Wishing you all Health , Wealth and Abundance,


Wednesday, August 8, 2007


“Patience is the key to joy.”
~ Melvana Rumi ~ 13th century sufi poet and mystic

I took this picture earlier this year at one of our local botanical gardens. I need to be reminded to sit, relax and be patient.

Being patient with myself has never been one of my strong suits, but I'm trying. Pushing mind over matter does not always work to my advantage. Sometimes you just have to rest, relax and go with the flow.

( Oh, yeah...Bubbie just ain't buying it today)

Posted by Picasa

Monday, August 6, 2007

Bubbie, Bubble, Toil and MS Treatments ?

I thought J.W.Waterhouse’s, Magic Circle would be a good illustration for the Bubbie Blog today. It came to my attention that some “traditional” and not so traditional medicines could both easily be believed as ingredients in a magic cauldron. Although I found no reputable medical reference for using Eye of Newt or Sparrow Wings I did find some rather surprising ingredients.

Did you know that a form of Interferon Beta 1-A, that matches the one that occurs naturally in the human body is made by extracting it from the ovaries of Chinese Hamsters? (as in Avonex, one of the popular MS treatments)

(Hamster ovaries? And why Chinese? Bigger ovaries? Bubbie’s trying to picture the future of Hamster farming…miles of little hanging water bottles, the deafening sound of all those exercise wheels…)

The poor Chinese Hamster is certainly not the first of animal species to have their females working for modern medicine. Pregnant mares have long been the natural resource for female hormone replacement made from their urine. There are studies being done on hormones and MS, so why not stir in some horse piddle too?

In traditional Chinese medicine they have myriad of horns, herbs, roots and powders and not all of them are botanical in nature. So, why is it that the the modern pharmaceuticals seem so surprising to me when I see that they were not just conjured up from thin air from the marvels of modern science and chemical alchemy?

And, knowing this, why is it that my doctors would rather write me a prescription for anything from constipation to insomnia than for me to take an over the counter, “natural” supplement that has been known for generations and by many cultures to alleviate the problem?

I'm still searching for ingredients for my cauldron. I'm looking into lobster, shrimp and clam shells. Sound yummy? I'll write more about them later.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Boinking Bears

As Promised!!! Boinking Bears as seen by Bubbie's kids while zip-lining in Alaska.
What can I say????????

Genetics Research and MS

For the past few days my inbox has been overflowing with notices about the BIG MS breakthrough.
Look at the headline in yesterday’s inbox, virtually live from Channel 7 news in Miami:

  • Big Breakthrough for the Cure of Multiple Sclerosis

    *Bubbie yawns…so tired…. (Maybe cynicism is a MS symptom)

    According to Wickopedia: The physical development and phenotype of organisms can be thought of as a product of genes interacting with each other and with the environment[3], and genes can be considered as units of inheritance.

    So, on every one of those amazing spiral staircases in the organism that is Bubbie, there are the genetic codes that say I have brown hair, am right handed , my second toe is longer than the big one, and I would not be surprised if there was one that says I like Thai food.

    Now back to the big news. It’s called IL7.
    I honestly believe that the study of the human genome is a facinating field, not unlike unlocking the secrets of the galaxies. And just like unlocking the secrets of the galaxies, I believe that the picture is bigger than we can comprehend. It’s like they are finding pieces of a never ending puzzle. They know it’s a puzzle piece, but where does it fit?
    And, it’s not that I don’t admire and have the greatest respect for those researchers putting long hours in their labs, fearlessly charting and mapping where now man has charted and mapped before. I do, but what am I to think when they then say that having this gene does not mean you will develop Multiple Sclerosis.

    Ok, so back to the definition of it interacting with the environment.
    What if:
    · You have the gene and you never went out in the sun and got enough vitamin D?(last week’s inbox)
    · You have the gene and the house you grew up in was built on what is new a SuperFund clean-up site and it was geographically between two particular latitudes?
    · You have the gene and you had a horrible virus while you were living in a darkened room in a house that was built on a toxic waste dump, that was between two particular geographical lattitudes?
    And, this is for my friend TT:
    *You have the gene and you forgot to wear your tinfoil hat while you contracted a virus, while living in a darkened room in a house built on a toxic waste dump, that was between two particular geographical lattitudes?

    Maybe we should wait for the movie.