Bubbie's Blog

a question of balance

2009-09-29T08:47:00.002-04:00

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.

I can't take credit for this photograph. I took quite a few pictures of the sunset on the Pamlico River while on vacation but none as amazing as this one taken by my Daughter In law.

I enjoyed our family reunion. All of Bubbie's Babies in one place. We had a wonderful time.

I have been doing so well I find I have been wearing a permanent smile. People have taken notice, wondering what I'm smiling at. I guess when you've been beaten down with heavy limbs, pain, and fatigue, a genuine smile doesn't come easily. I feel renewed. Having been there and now experiencing the other side I can't help but be ecstatic. I'd say that I am well aware of the extremes.

I am now being reminded of keeping a balance. Libra that I am, extremes are more familiar, but balance is necessary to my well being as a whole.

I've gone from barely able to ambulate with a cane and sometimes walker, to walking with an assured gait with just some discomfort and numbness. I can handle that!

I have gone from a sedentary life, dragging myself from one task to the next, even foregoing tasks for naps, to working a new part time job and functioning without an outward sign of chronic illness.

I went from taking daily or weekly injections and handfuls of pharmaceuticals, to taking one daily med (plaquenel) and my vitamins and supplements.

I have already lost 20 of the pounds I packed on over the last shadowy 5 years and now see the glimmer of who I was and want to be. I'm taking better care of myself, carefully choosing my options everyday.

I am not so naive that I don't know that all of this new found well being could change in a heartbeat. That's life...and part of the grand illusion. But I do believe I have a new perspective that will enable me to keep a healthier balance, order, rhythm and harmony in body, mind and spirit.

I regret having not been actively posting to this blog. I do read your posts. I care about you all, wish you all the best and try to stay in touch on that terribly addicting FB site.
I've been busy working, painting, walking , smiling and enjoying the scenery.

Post-itis Zen Bubbie

2009-08-11T11:24:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhhhh. Deep breath. Ahhhhhh.

These pictures were taken at the Norfolk Botanical Gardens.

I haven't posted in so long. I guess time does appear to fly when you're having fun. I feel good.

I am good.

My guess is that I identified this blog with my physical body and it's problems, or my problems dealing with it. If I had nothing to say along those lines, I didn't know what to say. SO...I am no longer identifying myself as a person with MS. That was easy, because that's what the recent physical evidence proved, and I was more than willing to let it go. Is it coincidence that I feel good? Did I buy into an illusion? Am I willing to not allow another to replace it?

The Bubbie has been pondering this and more...

MEANWHILE, back to life on earth:

I'm awaiting to hear the news tomorrow . My daughter is having her 2nd ultrasound that will reveal the gender of the baby. We'll see if I bought the right color yarn for the blanky I'm making.

I got a call this morning from my cousin. She and my Aunt liked my Poinsettia Christmas cards last year so much that they would like to put in an order for some to send themselves. This gave me a new project and direction. I can't just recycle last years holiday image. I have to get busy and paint more! It's mid August! I'd better get busy.

Chop wood, carry water? Chop water, carry wood?

Bubbie-itis

2009-07-21T17:34:00.000-04:00

Bubbie-itis.
That's what I've decided I have.

"itis" denotes inflammation as opposed to "osis"which implies pathology that is chronic or degenerative but without inflammation.

Sorry this post is seriously dated. I was too symptomatic to think about it let alone post about it at the time. And then I took off for a few weeks on a road trip.

Since my RE-diagnosis of Sjogrens CNS Vasculitis (see...another itis) and Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, (isn't this all the same?) I have been sent to a different specialist for every part of my physical body. My shrink hasn't seen me yet, but I'm waaaaay overdue. I have been getting a crash course in autoimmunity. I thought I knew what I could expect when I only had MS and actually got to a place where I was alright with that. I think I managed to integrate a life for myself that didn't always revolve around the disease.

Did you know that there are over 100 different autoimmune diseases? I knew about Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Scleroderma and Multiple Sclerosis, but there are tons more. I read somewhere (sorry can't find the source) that the four most common autoimmune diseases are more prevalent than cases of cancer and cardiovascular disease combined, yet only receive a fraction of the budget for research from NIH.

Before, I had a picture in my mind of rouge white cells munching on my myelin. As varied and unpredictable as the outcomes of those munched wires were, I still thought I pretty much knew what I could expect.

All of the standard MS disease modifying agents had been of no use. I continued to have new lesions and had the added benefit of all the nasty side effects. Having been off all shots for some time now, I had resigned myself to just treating symptoms on an as needed basis, while keeping a look out for any new promising treatments should I be in the mood to be a Guinea pig again.

Now I have an image in my head of thousands of white cells that somehow resemble a cross between Don Quixote and Mr.Magoo on crack. Blind, and crazy, they are mistaking windmills for dragons, friend for foe, good cells for bad. Not happy with their steady diet of myelin, my Magoos are raising hell with my joints, stomach, esophagus, and skin, hence the "itises".

So, I have been under the care of Dr.Chicken Little. (the brilliant doctor who has no internal censor. Whatever he's thinking comes directly out of his mouth without delay. It was unnerving at first because I always get to know what the worst case scenario might be. It's also humorous when he looks at your chart and declares 'your getting fat' or 'old', and I get to reply in kind.

He started me on weekly Methatrexate injections. And I thought interferon's were hell...
I have a new found empathy for those undergoing full strength chemo treatments. Even with leucovorin (folinic acid) to counteract the side effects I was miserable. Ask anyone who had to be in my presence. I ached, hurt, threw up, developed new infections, moaned, groaned, bitched, and cried.

What a wimp! I know people who take this drug regularly and deal with it . But then I know people who happily took their interferon shots too. My tolerance for such poisons are obviously below the norm. It's kinda funny when I think of all the 'poisons' that I happily endured recreationally at one time in my life.....long long ago. But, there was nothing funny about this and after 3 months Dr.C.L. gave me a reprieve.

Since MTX is not something I ever want to repeat, it was suggested that I look into (he knows I take nothing without researching it first) trying Arava. Leflunomide.

During this time Bubbie's Hubby was planning his well deserved vacation, and looking forward to getting away. The idea of driving for miles and being overjoyed to be here or there taking snapshots and making memories made me want to puke some more. Luckily the ill effects started wearing off and totally dissipated by the time we left our first stopover on our trip.

We had a great time... check out pictures in next post. I feel great! WTH! I drove some. Hiked some. (yes! hiked!) Walked a lot. and the kicker.....WITHOUT A CANE!

I'm still taking meds for the various itises. Plaquenel for the major one., but I haven't taken a pain pill in over 3 weeks. Knock wood. Throw salt. Do something.

I have no idea what to attribute this miraculous change up. It could be the ups and downs of flares associated with autoimmune diseases, it could be that the MTX knocked the shit out of those errant T cells or it could be that I need to get away more often.

What do you think?

Never Mind

2009-06-17T16:53:00.002-04:00

For the last two weeks I have been attempting to post a new blog entry updating you loyal readers about my "about-face" diagnosis and how things are going. It's been interesting...and it will be if Blogger ever lets me publish it. It's not being censored, it just isn't cooperating with me. Whole paragraphs of delightful and witty thoughts have vanished before my eyes. And since delightful and witty thoughts are not easy for me to come by these days...well you will just have to wait for the upcoming (someday) post entitled "Bubbie-itis".

The Bubbster is going on a vacation...so don't be holding your breath and turning blue in anxious anticipation.

See you next month.

Flowers for Sherry

2009-06-11T14:26:00.002-04:00

Image by Oishi Kuranosuke via Flickr

I can't begin to imagine the pain and grief of losing a child. My heart goes out to friend and fellow blogger Sherry at Word Salads.

Her daughter Nicole passed away suddenly after a brief illness at the age of 34. I'm glad that Sherry was able to be there with her, and only hope that we can be there for Sherry in these most difficult times.

This is a prayer I find comfort in that I'd like to share with you all.

The Light of God surrounds me

The Love of God enfolds me

The Power of God protects me

The Wisdom of God guides and directs me

Wherever I go, God is

And all is well

And so it is

Amen.

Minus One

2009-04-22T10:19:00.003-04:00

I guess it's time to take my name off the MS registry.
( Sorry, Ms. Cheese, you'll have to recalculate.)

No! I haven't been cured. I still have all the pretty white spots on my MRI indicating lesions from demyelination. I still have balance problems, bouts of optic neuritis, muscle spasms, numbness, tingling, nerve pain, bladder dysfunction, extreme fatigue...ahh the list goes on and on....

Now add to that, dry throat (explaining why I choke on food), dry eyes, digestive problems, kidney problems and new joint pains to dance with my nerve pains.

My new diagnosis is Sjogren's Syndrome

WOOOT you say?

Actually I exclaimed quite alot of expletives when i was faced with that announcement.

I always thought that Sjogren's was a minor annoyance, dry eyes, dry mouth..big deal.... WRONG. In many cases the symptomology does not go farther than that, but like MS everyone is different. In some cases, Sjogren's can and does mimic Multiple Sclerosis when in invades the central nervous system.

I had to read the studies myself to be convinced...and honestly even now, I'm still shaking my head.

Here are some articles you may find interesting:

Neurologic manifestations in primary Sjögren syndrome: a study of 82 patients.

The prevalence of Sjögren syndrome in patients with primary progressive multiple sclerosis.

Myelopathy in seronegative Sjögren syndrome and/or primary progressive multiple sclerosis.

I was tested for SS years ago, before I had my MS diagnosis. The blood tests were negative. The explanation... Not enough antibodies swirling around at that time? I just don't know.
Some articles suggest that MS and SS can coexist with the Sjogrens being secondary. Other say it often mimics MS and is not diagnosed until the joint pains and sicca symptoms arise.

I found this web site very helpful and was told that the two women that founded it were first diagnosed and treated for Multiple Sclerosis before they found it to be Sjogren's Syndrome with CNS involvement. Sjogren's World

So, it walked like a duck, quacked like a duck, but it was a goose!

I guess it doesn't matter what you call it. Treatments are similar, with the exception of the DMD's, which might explain why I did not repond to any of them. The suggested treatment is methatrexate or cytoxins, and steroids, but as is often the case the potential risks of side effects need to be weighed against the benefits of use.

I have been attempting to adjust, both mentally and physically to this new development. I might be less dizzy if I could just stop shaking my head.

Melville , Karma and Big Ta-tas

2009-03-30T18:24:00.008-04:00

'We can not live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our action run as causes, and they come back to us as effects'.
~ Herman Melville

This quote struck a chord with me recently. With my brain just a little too hazy to say what I feel succinctly, this quote followed by my rambling will have to do.

It's been less than 2 years since I began to Blog. I'm not sure what prompted my venture into cyber-sharing. I had been reading other MS Blogs, but I was reticent about being "revealing" or God forbid - "whiny".

Through blogging, I have felt less isolated. I don't live in a cave, but it is true..."you don't get MS unless you get MS". (You know, we look so damned good)
I have received and hopefully shared encouragement as well as personal experiences with the medical profession and the wild world of meds.
I have LMAO with many of you ( I find emotional lability to be a perk) as well as sharing the choice expletives about how this disease sucks.

Recently there has been a weird (even for me) twist in my symptoms/diagnosis/prognosis. For this reason, I haven't posted much and I haven't painted much. In fact I haven't done much of anything but shake my head and attempt to regain my psychological and physical footing. You could say that I am "working off Karma".
I was laughing and chatting with an old friend of mine this past weekend. We were discussing how I always hesitate to answer the question, "how are you doing?" I mean...really? How many people actually asking that question really want an honest answer?How many want an answer at all? If I answer, "Great!" They probably got the short response they were looking for in their attempt to be graciously concerned, but I on the other hand end up being a freakin' liar. Ahh, then there are those who subscribe to the principals of quantum mechanics. "you are what you think". I don't think , I know I feel like dog crap .
She retold a story to me of an enlightened master and his wife taking a trip on a train. His wife's purse was stolen on their journey. As he told it, his wife's purse was not stolen from her, she was relieved of her purse! It wasn't a tragedy, it was a blessing. She was working off Karma. LOL So my friends..how am I? I'm working off Karma! LOL

Even through this process, reading your posts helps keep me on more of an even keel. Sorry if I fail to leave a comment, just know that I do appreciate being a part of this community.

Despite the nearly 10,000 hits to this humble blog, the people (yes...REAL people) I have felt a connection to through our shared human experience have been in the minority of my page hitters. According to my page statistics most people come to my blog after searching for something less wholesome.

Although I adore the moniker given me by my grand daughter these are not the pages on which to find among the many synonyms: tits, hooters or big boobies. It didn't help matters much when I published a rant titled Woman to Woman after reading an article/advertisement for designer vagina's.

Then there are those *shudder* that think I must be an eighty year old Jewish Grandma and they are still looking for ta-tas. What is the matter with you people?????

So for the record:

I am a grandma. twice.
I've been around only 50 years. I doubt I'll see 80.
I was raised Catholic
and...despite being a bad Catholic girl, you can't see my tits!

Well, I've never been to Texas....

2009-03-25T15:22:00.004-04:00

* as she sings, "but I kinda like the music".

That was Spain, but...WHATEVER!

It's true, I've never been to Texas, But a small sampling of my salivary glands have been. They left the inside of my lower lip last Thursday , got themselves to the University of Texas to be studied for the presence of Sjogrens Syndrome.

The procedure was basically painless with just a few disolvable stitches, but for three days I had lips that rivaled those of the OctoMom.
I have been told that the lip biopsy is the definitive test for the presence of Sjogrens. An earlier battery of blood work was somehow not conclusive, even though it also read "positive".

As with most things medical, the more I read about Sjogrens the more I don't understand. It can be as simple and annoying as having dry eyes and mouth (apparently from those pesky white cells attacking and destroying the cells in your glandular tissue much as MS does with your myelin sheaths) to having a host of symptoms from it affecting your joints, organs and central nervous system.

Who knew?

Bite Me!

2009-02-06T11:03:00.006-05:00

And so it goes...my personal journey just gets, more bizarre, more exasperating and it's funny too. (or that's just my E.I talking)
Adding to my list of new meds, the last one being bird poison (4-AP) I now have an antimalarial. Plaquenil.

Lisa over at Brass and Ivory posted about people who have one autoimmune disease often double-dip and are diagnosed with yet another. It seems to be prevalent with Multiple Sclerosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

On a recent blood test that was ordered by my neuro after I listed symptoms that were not explained by my MS, I had a positive speckled ANA. I had no idea what that meant, it sounded like an Easter egg of some sort. Upon asking my neuro he responded by announcing that it wasn't his department. I needed to go back and see my old friend, Dr. Chicken Little, my rheumatologist.

Dr. C. Little (not his real name, the moniker I gave him when I realised that whatever horrible possibility he is thinking spilled directly out of his mouth. His real name is stranger still) was given my case by my first neuro before my MS diagnosis. I had aseptic menengitis, lesions in my head, and a list of neurological symptoms. I was a mess. They did all these same blood tests then but had nothing conclusive. I was treated with Cellcept and Imuran which I did not tolerate for long. Then finally I was given the diagnosis of MS even though it presented itself in a manner that kept it in question for some time. So, I hadn't seen Dr. Little in over 4 years until this speckled whatever showed up.

To my amazement he remembered everything about me. I found this both refreshing and unsettling. He ordered more tests and announced that I now have Sjogrens Syndrome. WTF!
Well, I do have a dry mouth...thought it was cotton mouth from my...ahemm...medications.
Not knowing much about Sjogrens, I thought it was nothing more than a little dry mouth, eyes, annoying little disease. Hell...I deal with MS, what's a little dry mouth? WRONG! Sjogrens can effect not only your glands from producing moisture, it can effect your brain and CNS (like I need something else to effect my brain), lymph glands, joints causing pain, internal organs including liver, pancreas, kidneys, lungs. This Sjogrens thing is not a welcome addition.

Back to the skeeter. I was told that Plaquenil works well for Sjogrens. They don't know how, but it does. WTH...I'll try it. Side effects seem to be minimal from what I've read. And as an added bonus It would seem that I can stroll around the African continent without concern if I so choose.

I'll have to learn more, obviously. It seems that a drug that works for one autoimmune disease can actually worsen another. A fact that I'm sure other double dippers have found to be true. I have been told that it would be in my best interest to start methotrexate, it would treat both Sjogrens and Multiple Sclerosis. I'm not sold on that idea. I have follow up appointments with both Dr.C.L. and my neuro in the next few weeks. I have time to think about it, even though I'd rather NOT.

Any input from some of the other "double-dippers" out there would be appreciated. drug,

Busy Bubbie

2009-01-31T14:37:00.004-05:00

I know I haven't posted in quite some time.

The Bubbie has been busy with a capital B.
I had company before Christmas, and then had all of Bubbie's babies here for the first 2 plus weeks of January. We all had a great time, and being the Bubbie that I am, I have hundreds of pictures to prove it.

Lucky for you I won't bore you with all the pictures of adorable grandchildren
I took.
In all of that fun and chaos, I managed to make and break a few New Year's resolutions. The one that I have kept was to continue painting . Last year I vowed to get off my whiney MS arse (with some prodding and encouragement from a friend or two) and get back in the game. It WAS my game for most of my life. I was a painter, I worked professionally. It was what I did, and to a degree, who I was.
Now after a year of painting with watercolor on paper, I vowed to continue, but this time to push the envelope a little farther and add another challenge. Now that I have had some of the confidence return that had left me flat after not working for 5 years, I am going to pursue painting oils on canvas again.

This is my first attempt. It's a local beach. I'm pretty happy with it for a first attempt. It was done with a palette knife and thick paint. I'm studying painting the "temperature" of color.

I have to say that getting back to what I enjoy doing has done more for me physically and mentally than any drug that I have tried for my Multiple Sclerosis. It keeps me occupied. It's a diversion from the focus I've had for too long on my disease and it's symptoms. I'm not saying that I don't have my challenges. Optic neuritis has been my biggest one lately. I'm learning to deal and compensate for the way I perceive color. Double vision, vision and a half, vision and a quarter...I hate it when that happens. It might make for some pretty trippy paintings though.

In the Pipeline

2009-01-07T14:16:00.004-05:00

There are many new drug therapies for Multiple Sclerosis in clinical trials. I read up on them when they have come across my Google Reader. I've given up on the ones that are already approved. They either didn't work for me or I found that my quality of life from the side effects was too much to trade for a promise of slowing my disease's progression.

I did begin two months ago on 4-AP. It appealed to me as it promises not to cure or slow disease progression, it works to help damaged nerves conduct better. It also is not in the hands of Big Pharma...yet. You have to get a compounding pharmacist to make it for you. I had to do some research. Lisa at Brass and Ivory helped quite a bit. Thanks Lisa.

Well, I have enough evidence of nerve damage. Walking has been my major challenge. I could walk with a cane on good days, and a walker/dog stroller (another story) on particularly (or peculiar) bad days. Walking was my major cause of exhaustion. Just how much does a human adult leg weigh anyway? It felt like I was dragging around one hundred pounds!

I have to admit I was skeptical that the 4-AP would do anything. I felt almost immediate results that I still was slow to give the drug credit for. I thought that maybe it was the cooler weather. The Florida temps dropped to a frigid 50 degrees a few nights. (sorry Seattle) Or I thought that maybe I just hit one of those elusive remittance periods that I have heard so much about in RRMS. But now over 2 months into it, I'm becoming convinced that it works. Even neighbors have commented on how well I have been walking. I still carry my cane, but rarely need it.

I read this in the MS Foundation newsletter today. Apparently Acorda Therapeutics has been doing trials on 4-AP that they have made in a slow release patentable formula.

Read the rest of the article and see what else is in the works. It gives me hope.

In the December 2008 National MS News :

Treatment/Pipeline
• Walking speed improved significantly in a clinical trial of 240 people with all types of MS taking Fampridine-SR (MS-F204, Acorda Therapeutics, Inc.) compared with those taking inactive placebo. Fampridine-SR is a sustained-release formula of 4-aminopyridine, which temporarily enhances nerve signaling. The company is planning to file in 2009 for approval of this drug to treat mobility issues in MS.

'Tis the Season....

2008-12-29T11:07:00.004-05:00

NOT to be unwell.

Just as poor Joseph heard that there was no room at the Inn for he and his very pregnant wife, don't expect a doctor in South Florida to have an opening to see you until the snowbirds all fly back north.

In this vacation paradise (and I use that word loosely) our population begins to explode as soon as the first frost settles on the northerners' pumpkins. Of course the population that can live in both worlds is made up of the aging baby boomers, who along with their age related ailments bring the dreaded snowbird flu. They come down to play golf, tennis, walk on the beach, play bridge and fill their specialists' appointment books for their host of chronic ailments.

What that means for a permanent resident like myself is that if you become unwell during the holidays with anything short of having to be rushed to the hospital while they prepare your toe tag, you will wait for the next available appointment. You might be resurrected around Easter.

It isn't easy being GREEN !

2008-12-12T12:36:00.000-05:00

It isn't easy being GREEN !

I try to live simply. I try to tread lightly on this earth. I changed all my electric light bulbs to energy efficient ones. I buy organic foods that are grown locally whenever possible. I shop with what is now suddenly trendy. I use shopping bags that are cloth or made of recycled pop bottles instead of bringing home more plastic bags.

When I was using injectable MS drugs, I was told by my county to just put the used syringes in a discarded detergent bottle and put it in with my regular trash. Syringes going to the landfill? In my county that's what they do. There aren't any provisions set up for medical waste pickup for incineration. Considering the many drugs that are now being perscribed that are injectables and the aging population of this particular county, I can only assume there is a mountain of medical waste in our landfill. It's not a priority for them to budget more money for separate disposal. Less than a mile away, the county to the south of me has many drop off points for people to take their used syringes where they will be sent for incineration.

Back to the bags...

As a responsible pet owner, I walk my dog and pick up after him. I have been purchasing biodegradable poop bags instead of using the plastic grocery bags that I no longer get and collect. On a recent rip to the mega health and grocery store I saw that they also have biodegradable kitchen and trash bags. They are made from corn. Pretty cool, but pretty pricey. It seems you have to have plenty of green to be green.

Then I looked at the company info on the back of the bio-green pet-poopy bags to see if there was a web address for possible future online purchases (saves gas) and was agast to see that they were made in China.

I know I have drain bamage, BUT does this make sense to you? I wasn't aware that China was a big corn producer. That's our big export. So lets follow this gigundous carbon footprint--------->

Corn grown in Iowa (maybe)---------->Trucked to the west coast of USA----------> Loaded on a freighter------------->travels to a port in Asia--------->travels by truck, rail or rickshaw to some interior city----------->made into trendy biodegradable poop-bags by child labor sucking corn dust ---------> bags are trucked,railed or rickshawed back to an Asian port city---------->loaded on a freighter--------> comes back to a US port---------is trucked to a distribution center------->is trucked to my local mega health food/grocery store where I pay way to much for it.

How's that for a Behemoth carbon footprint???

Sharing

2008-12-09T09:29:00.002-05:00

I'm a generous person. I'll share my toys, time , a meal, ideas, inspiration, money (if I have any).
We were all taught to share. Remember Show-and-Tell?
What I have come to realize is how uncomfortable it is to share my burdens and fears, even to those who genuinely want to understand and be of help. The closest I come to sharing anything about my life with Multiple Sclerosis is in the pages of this blog. It's safer here, anonymous, and I'm preaching to the choir in a sense.
Nearly everyday I come in contact with someone who believes they know what having this disease means only to find out within moments that they haven't a clue. I understand...I had no idea before this became very personal. Even with all the information out there, it's information that only those effected by the disease is looking to understand.
Do I inform them? Not usually. I sometime feel as though I should if only to justify my actions or more likely my inaction's.
Also, I have an enormous problem with what I consider WHINING. On the flip side, the world doesn't need another long suffering, silent MARTYR. So when I was alerted by Google of this MS post from the NY TIMES I was moved by not necessarily by what these MS patients said, but that they said it. Honestly and openly. I understand them, but unfortunately, I'm a member of the choir.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2008/12/03/health/healthguide/TE_MULTIPLESCLEROSIS.html

You don't know what you've got til it's gone

2008-11-21T09:40:00.005-05:00

The Importance of the Opposable Thumb
The thumb, unlike other fingers, is opposable, in that it is the only digit on the human hand which is able to oppose or turn back against the other four fingers, and thus enables the hand to refine its grip to hold objects which it would be unable to do otherwise. The opposable thumb has helped the human species develop more accurate fine motor skills. It is also thought to have directly led to the development of tools, not just in humans or their evolutionary ancestors, but other primates as well. The opposable thumb ensured that important human functions such as writing were possible.The thumb, in conjunction with the other fingers make humans and other species with similar hands some of the most dexterous in the world.

That's the Wiki definition. Let me elaborate.

Try without using your thumb for example:

turning your key in the ignition
buttoning clothes or pulling up your fly
using a tweezers (my eyebrows become Neanderthal overnight)
signing your name
finding the correct change

The list goes on...I know from my own stupid experience.

I chopped not a slice, but a divot, from my thumb while making soup. Yes, it was chilly herein South Florida, all of 55 degrees, and I needed to make a large pot of soup. (I swear, this Martha-mode stuff is a seasonal disorder with me)

It the knowledge of the usefulness of the thumb from one's dominant hand isn't enough, try stopping the profuse flow of blood from one with your other hand. It was rather comical, and messy. So much for my soup.

In other news, I have completed my first week taking 4 aminopyridine. The first two days were rough. My head felt like a helium balloon. I was dizzy and every nerve that ever went blinky before was in full spaz mode. I even felt blue, out of the blue, so I knew it was the introduction of this new chemical compound to my brain.

And on the third day ( of course I'm going to say it!) She rose again!

Yes, amazingly. I felt great! I walked not only without dragging a leg behind me, my gait was smooth! While sitting or in repose, I didn't experience any of those myclonic herky-jerkies, and I wasn't fatigued!

It's been a week today, and I'm still not ready to give this capsule the credit for my renewed self. It could be the weather. It could be coincidence, or as in my case (LOL)...Divine.

I shall keep you posted.

Now , I have Miss Joni Mitchell in my head.

New MS Journey or New MS guinia Pig

2008-11-12T15:21:00.006-05:00

Yup..I'm going to do it. I'm going to try a new drug.

Briefly, (for the benefit of the new MS bloggers out there that might have just recently tuned in) I have been off all drug therapies that are meant to slow the progression of the disease for a year now. My journey began with strong oral immune suppressants like Cellcept and Imuran. I was on Copaxone for a couple of years. I had no adverse reaction to it other than bothersome site reactions. I could have gone on taking it but my lesion load doubled in the last six months while on it. So, on to interferons. I hated them but gave it my best shot (pun not intended). My side effects were worse than the disease. I was miserable, but I kept trying different doses, different brands, animal and bacterial. After a year or so of that nightmare I decided to quit. The only other option I was given, if not pushed to try, was Tysabri. I just wanted a break from feeling miserable, and to everyone's surprise I have been doing very well without them. I have had my ups and downs but I have felt fairly stable.
I have had no new lesions during this time.I can't help but think that if I had been on a drug, the drug would have been credited with my success.

I've had a great year. I've taken three trips by myself to visit my children. I took a long road trip with my hubby. I've been active again in my interests. I have been painting, going out with friends and generally enjoying myself despite the MS.

Don't get me wrong. I still have MS. I do face the uncertainty of progressive disabilities. I think I've just adjusted to life with it better than in the past. I still have trouble with my vision. I still use an intermittent catheter. I have spasticity, tremors, TN, headaches, nerve pains, fatigue. I walk funny with a cane. I was listing to port all day yesterday. I'm either numb or in pain (never could understand how that is possible) and I get the HUG.

I was forced into unemployment and disability 6 years ago, so I don't have to push myself to keep a career or job. For me that means less cash flow and an abundance of time. I can crash, be slothful, or just basically go to hell and the only pressure I face is the one's I still tend to place upon myself. It would be a magnificent arrangement if not for the lack of legal tender and the plethora of unpredictable symptoms that come with my new daily life.

In a recent post I told you about my last neuro visit in which I merely asked about 4-AP. Unable to answer any questions about it, he wrote a script for it without any prompting almost daring me to try it.

I did my research with the help of Lisa at Brass and Ivory.
It looked promising to alleviate the nerve pain I experience with walking and general fatigue. I'm hoping it will help with all the twerpy paroxysmal symtoms.

I finally took the script to the compounding pharmacist in town. I was amazed! He knew nothing about 4-AP either, but spent more time with me than my neuro ever has, researching it and taking account of all the meds and supplements I take regularly. He wanted to look into it even further and vowed to call me back the next day with what he had learned. Amazing!
The only side effect that he was concerned about was the possibility of it raising my blood pressure. All in all it felt it was safe, ordered the needed chemicals and filled my prescription.
He gave me all the information including ammunition to use if necessary with my insurer, citing the prescription's Orphan Drug Status and FDA approval for use in MS and Spinal Cord Injuiries.

Today's the day. I'm staying put in the house. I took my first dose this morning. I'm monitoring my BP. When beginning any new promising drug therapy, I experience contradictory feelings about it. I'm hopefully excited that it will help with my daily quality of life and I'm leary of putting yet another man made chemical compound in my system. Yup, I feel like Alice.

Now if I could just get Huey Lewis out of my head....

Wish me luck!

My God

2008-11-09T17:32:00.003-05:00

I really wish my MS brain would allow me to remember the lyrics to this ditty. There have been so many times I have wished for these very words when confronted by friends, family and acquaintances who seem to stand "taller" , if you will, because...yes...they have THE answer, and it came to them from THE highest authority.

I have heard this on endless topics too! Recently some of those connected folks have made mention of such mandates that I should follow concerning:

My health ( Yes...if I had treated my body like the temple that it surely is I would not be afflicted or I must have sinned against Him /Her or If I only ate raw organic foods without faces I would surely be cleansed or maybe , I get it, I most likley have been praying to the wrong Him/Her)
My Politics. ( So, if my guy won and God's on your guy's side that must mean...OMG! Where's that handbag? We're on our way...should be a helluva ride!)

Scream!

2008-11-03T11:44:00.006-05:00

As I write this I'm experiencing what I refer to as "Silly Word Syndrome". Really...SCREAM? Maybe from the childhood rhyme, You scream, I scream, We all scream for Ice cream". Ok, I'm over it.

Enough about SCREAM, this post is about STRESS. 'Tis the season, apparently. Season's are all running together, it doesn't seem to matter. The fact that the holidays are right around the proverbial corner is just icing on the cake. We have personal illness, medical costs, relationships, finances, and on the bigger picture screen we have war, failing economy, bigotry, bias, intolerance...the list is too long.

Ask anyone with MS and they'll tell you that it's true, stress very often precedes a flare of symptomatology. Having the disease itself is cause for significant stress, and stress causes what?...more disease? Feel that hamster wheel spin. It's enough to make you...OK, back to that again: SCREAM!

I recently read a study on social/emotional stress and autoimmune disease. Of course the study was done on mice (poor mice). It showed that social stress levels elevates pro-inflammatory cytokine interlukin-6 and worsens autoimmune disease symptoms. Apparently their was this happy group of cohabitating mice. They all got along nicely. They had no stressers and life was good. They were injected with a virus that caused an infection that affected their nervous system similar to multiple sclerosis. Still, they got along and life was still good but now they had something like MS. Then the researchers added social stress. They introduced an intruder mouse. He must have been an alpha bully. Bad Ass Boss Mouse stressed the other once happy, stress free mice that now had compromised nervous systems. This new social stress caused a rise in the interlukin-6 levels in the brains of the once happy rodents and produced more severe MS-like symptoms.
The study went on to theorize that if a neutralizing antibody could be administered it would inhibit the body's pro-inflammatory response and reduce the MS symptoms. This could include anti-inflammatory drugs, excercise, antidepressants, omega-3 fatty acids, mindfulness , meditation, relaxation training.
Seems silly...why not just say no to Bad Ass Mice.

The most important question

2008-10-30T17:43:00.004-04:00

At first I briefly considered not posting this. Then I had to wonder why. I have been helping out at the local "get out the vote" headquarters. If you know me, you know where I stand. I respect your right to your opinion and expect mine to be respected in turn.
And...after all, this IS Bubbie's Blog! It's my soapbox, so I'm standing up!

back to the road trip

2008-10-24T11:57:00.001-04:00

I had to pull out the vacation photos. Looking at them again brings back the good feelings. This spot was especially serene. We were at a cottage home on the Pamlico River. The last two pictures were taken from the ferry we took from Bath to Aurora, North Carolina.

Bath is a very quaint little town that is full of interesting history. It was North Carolina's first town, created in 1705. Bath was home to Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard the pirate.

Ranting

2008-10-23T12:01:00.008-04:00

I'm giving you all a break from my vacation pictures. I can't just sing "la la la everything is bright and shiny " today.

I'm just not feeling it.
I'm concerned.
I'm frustrated.
I feel saddened and helpless.
I'm pissed.

The state of this country's health care is not just a cauldron of political spit and the usual blather.
It's a sin, a shame, a pox on the asses of the donkeys and elephants alike.
Oh, I forgot...it's all about the bottom line. Democracy being used as an excuse for runaway capitalism. Profits are privatized. The losses, well..they're ours.
Today, I'm tired of the losses. The loss of lives. Real lives. Real people that did what they were supposed to do. They worked, payed their taxes, kept insurance, and then faced what should not be an insurmountable hurdle.

A friend of mine called me this morning. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. She worked as a manager of a large chain store for many years. She had one surgery (which although major was treated as an outpatient and sent home the same day). Then another surgery to get what they missed the first time around. (ooops) Then chemo and radiation while out on term disability. Before her treatments were completed and she got a free and clear to return to work from her doctor, she had to return to work for at least 32 hours a week to continue to receive her health care benefits so that she could continue to have treatments and medical care.
But, I'm jumping ahead. While out on disability and receiving only a percent of her usual wages she was unable to pay her utilities and rent. All calls for assistance to the usual walk-for-this-or-that charities went unanswered. They had no funds to disperse for anyone in need. She lost her apartment, has no car, and the copays she owed the surgeon's and various doctors and labs went to collections too. She moved in with her elderly mother who barely manages on her social security. Now she walks to her job that she must keep whether she is up to it or not for her insurance.
The story isn't over....
Another lump. She was told she needs to go out of town for special testing, and see the surgeon again. She has no car. She has no sick time. She owes the surgeon from the previous surgeries.
She's tired. She feels defeated. She can keep walking to work, to keep her insurance and her paycheck until she can't and the cancer gives her fewer options than she already has.
Then there's me on the other end of the phone. What comfort can I offer? I can taxi her to appointments. Appointments that she sees no reason to keep and canceled.
She and I had a mutual friend that passed away several years ago from the same disease. I remember us both tending to her through her long ordeal. Now it seems like yesterday.

I urge you to look at this health care issue from a more personal perspective. Whether it is from a perspective of someone with a chronic condition like MS or someone fighting a diagnosis of cancer. Whatever your personal political leanings, and whatever your current health, this story could be yours, or your son's or daughter's.

Read what the candidates have to say on the issues. Get out and VOTE. Demand CHANGE.

more from the road...

2008-10-20T14:55:00.005-04:00

and...

To continue the sage of my two week road trip, the first location we purposely made a stop at was Todd, North Carolina. You may not find it on your map. I only found one other reference to it on Google. This general store is about all there is to see except for the beautiful surrounding countryside. I had been there once before many years ago, and wanted to return.

From Todd, we went north to cross the state line into Virginia. Virginia's gas stations had gas, western North Carolina didn't most of the time. I had no interest in running out of gas on some rural mountain road.

The last two pictures in the previous post were taken on route 58 going east in Southern Virginia. A very pretty drive if you have the time to avoid interstates like we did.

I'll let you off the hook for the locations pictured in this post.The first is Clarksville, Virginia. We stayed on Buggs Island Lake. At this point we just relaxed for a day. Had a very nice dinner and walked the historic downtown. After driving all the curvy mountain roads it was a nice change to be back on flatter land. The only problem I had with the area is that it was totally devoid of cell phone towers. Everyone had to guess where we were and when we might be expected.

The next stop was Virginia Beach. The giant statue of Neptune is located at the board walk by 31st. It was a beautiful day to walk the boardwalk.
We spent a couple of nights there before moving on.

Now you may have noticed my new flagrant attempt at self promotion to the side of my blog. Yes, I have registered on Zazzle. I had designed the poinsettia painting to be reduced as a holiday card, so when a certain Ms. Fromage (today I'm French, just yesterday I was British) suggested I sell some things on zazzle, I went over to check it out. It would be nice to make a little extra moola from my efforts, so...oila! I'm zazzling

next stop...

2008-10-15T12:51:00.005-04:00

and...

The locations for the pictures in the last post were: Mount Mitchell State park, in North Carolina.
At over 6000 feet it had it's own weather system and I was unable to get any pictures that weren't totally in clouds.

The large red building in the valley is The Orchard at Alta Pass.
The picture was taken from the overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway. You could hear the banjo music all through the valley.

Next stop was Blowing Rock. One of my favorite stops because of all of the fine galleries in town, also the best bisquit breakfasts I've had anywhere are at Holly's. I was happy to see that it was still there.

From this point on we had to be cautious about where we were going next, how far and when. There wasn't any gas to be found at the stations in western North Carolina. Just as well, it gave me more time to wander the shops.

vacation stops 3 &4

2008-10-11T16:25:00.003-04:00

and...

Here a two pics each of the next two stops on our trip.

I have been getting reorganized (as if I ever actually was organized) now that we're home. Provisions to buy and cook. Clothes to launder and bills to pay.
Speaking of food, I miss eating out. All in all a delightful experience. There was not one "hairy" incident! Of course we stayed off the main highways and ate more at locally owned establishments than the famous chains that are always placed near the exits.

As I said, I took over 400 pictures in two weeks, so I have tons of reference material to draw from and I am anxious to begin painting again.

My health has been good. I've had no MS problems. Well, no new problems. I think I'm just getting used to what has decided to stay with me. The lack of humidity, and the cooler temps made me so much more comfortable. I did a fair share of walking, and very little of it on flat terrain.

Not shocking, and true to Bubbie form, I went to work yesterday for the Campaign for Change/Obama office downtown. I spent the morning making calls. I feel like I need to do some small part, given the state of the union. My speech was good, no stumbling for words and sounding like the village idiot. As long as I'm in good form I'll go back more next week.

Now for the answers to the last post....
The first stop was Chimney Rock. Personally, I don't see the resemblance to a chimney, but who would name it Pud or Stubby?
The second stop was the town of Burnsville. A cute mountain community with a downtown square that was having a quilt show when we arrived. Upon learning that it was a dry county, it quickly lost it's charm and we were off...

vacation pics

2008-10-09T21:58:00.003-04:00

and then...

I'm back! We were gone two weeks. Our travel itinerary changed last minute due to a nor easter and then by the availability of gas at the pumps. All and all we had a great time, wandering through five states on the roads less traveled.

I took over 400 photos. For fun, I've decided to chose two pics from each interesting location and see if they are recognized by any of you loyal Bubbie-heads (all three of you).

To be fair I'll tell you that we drove from Florida and never strayed from states that had borders on the Atlantic. One of these days I vow to venture west of the Mississippi, maybe next year.

Road Trip!

2008-09-23T10:00:00.005-04:00

I've had more than my fair share of flying this year. Hanging out in airports for hours awaiting a delayed or canceled flights is not something I want to do again in my foreseeable future.

I bought a new road atlas! Previously the one in our possession was small and most likely printed from surveys made by George Washington himself.
What about one of those new GPS's with the annoying voice? (my son refers to her as "the bitch") Hell no! Getting lost on side roads and finding the most unusual of landmarks is what we do best. You see the new road maps were purchased as a tease only. It will only be used if and when all other delusional senses of navigation leave us totally stranded with the faint sound of banjos wafting in our car windows.

Exactly where are we going? I can name the state, but exact locations will only be revealed as we discover them. Hopefully the weather and the foliage will be all I hope it to be. Cool and colorful.

I am excited! I have but one anxiety over traveling by car - generic fast service restaurants.
Did I say restaurants? There should be another word for places strategically placed by highways, masquerading as places that serve real food.
First of all, I am a picky eater. No burgers! Ah yes..I'll have a portobella and swiss with honey mustard on a hard roll with a side of organic baby greens please.....Right! So after perusing the menu that features shiny happy people ordering stacks of greasy fat laden offerings, I usually order something presumably innocent, like a grilled cheese.

This would be acceptable if it weren't for my curse. Yes I'm cursed, ask anyone who has ever dined with me at places that sound like Waffle Mouse, Penny's, Emerald Wednesdays, and I Skip.

It has come to the point where we nervously start laughing the moment I give my order. We are anticipating the inevitable. My plate is served, I take an entrenching tool and carefully prod at my food as if I'm expecting it to jump and run away without leaving as much as a tip. And there it is. Always. Without fail. One of two equally disgusting and gag reflex producing things : Short curly hair(s) or tiny baby cockroach(s) that became seared to my entree by the grill.

Mind you, this is only on my plate. Whoever is with me will carefully then scrutinize their plate to find nothing amiss, except for the fact that it's cheap generic food.

This happens so often that I have a rehearsed specific dialogue for my server. After all, she/he was only the delivery person, and to my amazement has never had this specific complaint before!

Wish me luck.

I'll take lots of pictures and maybe even get some on site sketching done.
Check out latest watercolor in my galleria, Summer Croton.

I'm back and with a New Web Addiction

2008-09-09T17:50:00.010-04:00

I'm back, and much to the joy of my furry creature.

He was pissed that I was leaving and camped out in my suitcase attempting to stowaway. I had a great time with my son, daughter in law, new baby girl, my daughter and her adorable 2 year old. We did the zoo, the parks, the university, and the pool. Also shopping, cooking and some hanging out. Love them dearly, but alas, I'm glad to be home. I crashed...knew I would, but nothing a little rest didn't fix.

So, my new web find...

No, I didn't find a new "liberal arts" site.

A friend turned me onto a site I love, and as an added bonus it doesn't keep me glued to the screen or the keyboard. I can keep busy at my desk or easel and enjoy it without even looking. (Unlike the hours that have been lost to games somebody's sister posted. You know who you are.)

The site is Pandora - The Music Genome Project. Intrigued by the title? I was too. Try it out. You log on, plug in a few names of your favorite singers or songs (even the obscure) and it begins streaming audio of music it chooses based on your preferences. If it plays something you don't like, give it a thumbs down, and it recalculates and plays something else in the genre of your choosing. You actually create your own radio stations, with no audible commercials.

I have one station that's mellow with ballads and folksingers and another one full of heinous rock and roll complete with trashy electric guitar solos. The oldies mix with the new. Folkies playing now...John Prine, Townes Van Zandt, Robert Earl Keen to Cat Stevens and Donovon.

I think music is therapeutic. I usually play CD's but my library is limited. I listen to public radio, but have to leave when they start playing polka or droning on about global warming or politics. ( I get my news from Jon Stewart LOL) My vinyl collection is huge, but changing the disc on the turntable isn't conducive to working, so this is a great find.

Speaking of working, I'm still at it. I completed two large canvases of Italian landscapes for a commission before I left. Sorry can't share, I don't own the copy write...it was work for hire. Not a big deal, I was a hired brush, much like in my previous life. Money is good though, but I prefer to play on my own without fulfilling someone else's expectations.

I have three works in progress at the moment and will share when I decide one is done. (always hard to tell)

One more for the list

2008-08-24T16:24:00.005-04:00

Over the years I have heard of some very odd and some very bizarre "cures" for multiple sclerosis.
Here's a new one for the list.

Zest!

Yup, the soap that gets you Zestfully Clean is the secret. Who knew?

Here's the story. My good friend works at a local health food store. I myself used to work with her there. (In my previous life). I think we have heard everything from the plausible to the absurd,even with some of the legitimate products we sold, but just this weekend a customer came in and told her his secret. She couldn't wait to call and tell me. I mean, my gawd, forget the doctors, IV's, meds, needles and PT...there's ZEST!

Apparently, this gentleman, has suffered from MS for many years, but alas...no more. He places a bar of Zest soap at the foot of his bed, under the bed linens, and that, my friends, has taken away all of his pain and spastisity.

I must admit, this call could not have come at a better time. It was Saturday, and for me not a good MS day. I had been lying about all day with the BubbyHubby eating Lortabs (plural) and watching the Olympics in Beijing. I had just experienced an event that brought about an extreme event of my favorite neurological symptom. The Russian women were performing the routine that won them the gold medal in synchronized swimming, and I reacted with an agonizing attack of Emotional Incontinence. I was laughing so long and hard that it really really hurt, and that of course was enough to keep me going long after the medal ceremony.

Then the phone rang with my friend, dying to tell me (she couldn't even feign a straight face) about Zest.
"You've got to be kidding me", I spit into the phone .....
"No, I swear, he was dead serious...google it or something!"

Well, I did, and the Google Gods did not respond. Nothing, Nada, zip!
So here for all future Googlers to come...the Zest cure for multiple sclerosis! You saw it first here on Bubbies Blog!

Guess that leprechaun lied when he told me about Irish Spring.

4 WHAT ???

2008-08-13T08:51:00.007-04:00

That's what I said.

I had my neuro appointment last week. It went well considering. I have no new lesions despite refusing disease modifying drugs. My doc again pushed his vision for me to use Tysabri, but more gently this time. (most likely because of lack of evidence of progression on my films)

What are we considering?

As I waited...and waited, for the doc to enter exam room 3, I began reading a free booklet called Living With MS. Just before I was greeted by Neuro-Man, I was reading a passage about drugs for symptoms of MS fatigue and symptoms, especially brought about by heat. This of course caught my eye because I live in South Florida. Heat is one of my major obstacles, and the drug I used previously for fatigue was not tolerated well and had a new FDA warning on it. The drug that was being discussed was Aminopyridine or 4-AP.

I had never heard of it. That surprised me considering I thought I had voraciously read everything about MS in the first 2 years of my diagnosis, and have been practically OCD about checking all that Google reader has alerted me to.

So, after exchanging small talk about nothing new in my head, cervical spine or thoracic, and describing my symptoms as SOS, I asked about this 4-Whatever, that I had the little book dog-eared to.

"Oh.." he said, "I have a (note the singular) patient on that and she does well with it. Want to try it?", as he wrote on his prescription pad.
"How is it different than Provigil, what is it and how does it work?"
"I don't know."

HUH?

As a rule I like when doctors admit that they are not the all knowing all seeing deities that they often portray, but this was unsettling.
"You need to get it from a compounding pharmacy." was all he said as he handed me the script.

It kinda reminded me of a time (decades ago), when someone (not in a white coat and usually at a concert) said, "here try this."
"What is it? What does it do?"
"I got it from so-and-so, she really digs it!"
"cool!"

I came home and excitedly Googled this new little pill.
I found :

4-aminopyridine (also known as 4-AP and Fampridine) is a drug that blocks the potassium channels in neurons. This effectively improves the transmission of nerve impulses down damaged axons. It does not replace damaged myelin but users of 4-aminopyridine report dramatic improvement in a number of symptoms especially paraesthesia. It should be born in mind that this is an experimental drug and the side-effects are uncertain. Dosages should be carefully regulated as potassium is a chemical that is used extensively in other parts of the body including heart functions.

Agriculturally, 4-AP is used as an extremely effective bird poison sold under the brand name Avitrol. It is highly toxic to all mammals including humans if dosages are exceeded, and, as an experimental drug, recommended dose data is unavailable.

A slow release formulation of 4-aminopyridine is supplied by the Irish drug company, Elan Corporation, and is currently being tested by Acorda in two phase II trials in the US. It is currently awaiting authorisation by the US Federal Drug Agency (FDA).

I also found that Lisa, at Brass and Ivory had recently written about it and had many resources listed. (as usual, Great Job Lisa! )

So...what does the Bubbie make of all this? Hmmm, a bird poison? Not FDA approved BUT I can get it from a compounding pharmacist? How much do you take, and when? What's the difference between what I can get from the druggist and what is in clinical trials and not yet approved?
Potassium? Isn't that essential to important things, like...my HEART? Side effects? Will birds treat me like Tippi Hedren? ( Was that her in THE BIRDS?...MS brain fog)

Way too much to think about now. I'm going on another trip to see my kids next week. I'll return to my investigation next month.

Meanwhile, feel free to comment on whatever it is you know on the subject, as I am too confused to ponder and too old to say, "Cool! OK!"

more words...

2008-08-10T22:29:00.000-04:00

It's been 7 months since I began painting again.

I had to look back and find the WET PAINT post to see when it actually began. The truth is it actually began with the well sown seeds of caring friends who were obviously tired of hearing me bemoan what I used to be and do, by reminding me that I still am who I've always been. They could see that what I had closed off from myself, bottled up and put on a high shelf, was stifling me. It was a void that cried to be filled, and I had the power to allow it all along. I certainly have the time.
I have to say that I don't believe it's a big co-inky-dink that I have been so asymptomatic through this time. I have been off all DMA's since last December. I use Lyrica and and pain meds as needed. I have had flares of symptoms here and there, possibly from the heat or overexertion, but they didn't get me down long. My MRI's have shown no new confetti. I have been more physically active. I have traveled. I feel like I have regained my sense of self. My attitudes are brighter. My attentions have shifted from the unwanted to the desired.

My palettes are wet, multiple easels are in use, my flowers are blooming and I have been very busy. When the damn of self expression gives way the torrent can be jarring and even unfamiliar.

Recently I've been writing more words. I posted one once before that surprised me as well. I don't know if they qualify as poems or lyrics, but I do recognize them as being self portraits in a sense. More so than a picture of pretty flowers or fruit in a basket. I must be holding back. I think it's time to REALLY let some paint FLY.

I have no title for this : ( probably out of fear of really revealing the entity you know as Bubbie...LOL)

I can never really know you
But I recognize your soul
The bridge between our worlds is damaged
treacherous
dangerous to cross.
I lose myself on my way to you
A sacrifice unholy.
A prize that leaves me lacking, a meal that weakens
and a discordant song to dance alone.
Both the fool on my shore or your bank
I gaze across the expanse
I grieve to know you built it unknowingly
with all the rotting planks of lies
and words sharpened with razors from your desperate wrist.

August Blooms

2008-08-02T14:21:00.002-04:00

I needed some re-potting supplies and just had to go to my favorite orchid greenhouse. I knew before I went that I wasn't going to be able to leave without a new baby. I never can.

The white one is the one that HAD to come home with me. It's scent is so delicate and beautiful.

The one pictured in the center was my gift to myself last year. It's only the second time it's bloomed for me, and has two more clusters of buds waiting to follow.

I seem to be amassing quite a collection. It only seems to be really evident just how many I have when it's necessary to take them down if a tropical storm threatens to blow them and us away.

So far so good this year. We've been very fortunate.

Geeee...I wonder if I need to go back and get some more plant food?

Christmas in July

2008-07-29T10:32:00.006-04:00

OMG!
Have you looked at the calender? It's almost August! Back to school shopping has begun. Soon you will see Halloween candy displayed on the store shelves, and before you know it, it's Christmas.

Every year, somewhere post Turkey Day I swear that I will get a jump on my holiday shopping "NEXT year", I swear it! Regardless of my good intentions, my memory is short. I end up scrambling for those perfect gifts that I thought of, searched for and then bookmarked months before often purchasing something entirely different at the last minute.

I also start to think about what I could realistically make for holiday presents. Please...something besides the frenzy of mixing and baking. I'm thinking of printing sets of note cards. I'll let you know if that pans out.

I make a point of buying things that you can't get in a big box store. I don't want to fuel the Asian economy. I like handmade items. I like to shop local farmers markets, ebay and etsy. I have found fun t-shirts and clothing items, handmade soaps, and these one of a kind birdhouses that are made by a very good, artiste friend of mine.
Take a look and see what you like. Maybe you'll be inspired to avoid the last minute holiday frenzy.

Proud Bubbie

2008-07-27T11:13:00.001-04:00

Exactly one year ago, I posted about the little one that gave me my blogging moniker. She was very intently decorating the sidewalk with chalk.
As you can see she has grown, and she has expanded her skills in more mediums. Here she is happily exploring her new set of watercolors.
That makes me one proud Bubbie!

VERY orange vandas in watercolor

2008-07-24T20:42:00.008-04:00

Another watercolor on Masa (rice paper)
Trying to "loosen up" by beginning with a poured/sprayed and spattered upon background and then looking for what it suggests and then coaxing it out. Only the bright orange color gave me a clue on this one. Someone else may have found something entirely different. I'm still enjoying the rice paper. It has a totally different look feel when applying paint.

Keeping the momentum going and trying to make at least one new mess a day has kept me busy and relatively healthy.
For one, it's been keeping me busy indoors where my a/c unit keeps my body temperature from rising and my nerves from shorting out. It's been a typical south Florida summer....hot and humid! A new nerve (well, I'm sure it's always been there) has made it's presence known after I spent too much time out in the sun. My Trigeminal Nerve. If I could imagine it a thread, twisting inside my face, I'd find a fray of it and rip it out.

Just for fun I'm posting 3 more loose/spattered/shmooshed backgrounds that are waiting for me to figure out what they are to become. So far, not much has emerged. See what you think. It's like watching clouds go by and seeing what they resemble, or a Rorschach test to see just how twisted you really are.

Cognitive Dysfunction ?

2008-07-20T12:38:00.010-04:00

I adore Tom Rush, and when a friend sent me this video I had to post it.
I'm sure the causes are probably VERY different but the effects are much the same.
Still you have to find the humor in it.

Cognitive Dysfunction is one of the more scary symptoms of Multiple Sclerosis. It used to be thought that cognitive dysfunction was relatively rare symptom of the disease but it is now understood to be quite a common feature.

works in progress

2008-07-19T13:17:00.003-04:00

More work in progress. I'm still playing with loosely applied backgrounds of watercolor on rice papers. These are just in their beginning stages. They are at the point where you really don't like them and wonder where the hell they're going. My plan is not to become too invested in the outcome and fearlessly explore the possibilities. I'm having fun.

waterlilies

2008-07-17T16:12:00.004-04:00

Waterlilies

I have still kept up with my promise to continue painting. I've had several events lately, besides MS that have sidetracked my efforts. Even so, I have several works in progress. This particular one was an experiment with painting oriental rice paper (masa) with watercolors.
Now that I know how the paints react, I'll be trying other subjects and styles.
If you look at my "galleria" you can see that I have been playing with many different styles of painting with watermedia. I hadn't painted in many years, and almost NEVER painted for the plain and simple sake of creating. I always had a commission, an art director or designer dictating what I was painting and what it was to look like. Yes...I was a prostitute, an art whore.
Well, now...thanks to my abundance of time, my inability to work and my monthly check from Social Security, I am free to explore all creative possibilities.
It's really quite daunting. It's one thing when you are pleasing someone else, another when the blank page is yours alone.
I am enjoying this journey of self discovery.

At My Door

2008-07-03T07:32:00.001-04:00

I am not a writer of prose or poetry, but these words seemingly wrote themselves with my own hand while having my morning coffee one day last week.

It has been almost a year since I began this blog, and I have been reluctant to write about MS and how having it effects me on a level any deeper than in silly metaphors or laughs and digs at the doctors and drug companies.

So, on the almost birthday of Bubbie's Blog, I'll share this with you.

At My Door

I removed myself from you
Played a game
It's all a game
Led you to a faraway place and
Left you there
Locked myself away to stay untouched
still scarred, un-knowing you

I heard you many times
Knocking at my doors
Rattling my windows

Wearing the mask of normalcy
I turned my music up
Closed my eyes
Busied myself in the days and
Drugged myself in the nights
Anything to deny you
To make you a distant memory

But you are always there

Like quicksilver you seep into my safe haven
Waiting for me as I wake
Inserting yourself in my days
Making me question my tomorrows

I can't run from you
Wish you away
Disguise myself or surround myself with anyone who does not know of you

You are undaunted
Unafraid of the weapons and arsenals given me for my protection
I hear you laughing
Can you feel me weep?

cheap meme

2008-06-28T14:13:00.004-04:00

For lack of any original blog material, I took the liberty of following MR. MDMHVP>>whatever his name is' lead with these questions. You'll have to ask him what happened to number 31. Maybe it was censored?

More cheap meme cruft:

Welcome to the new 2008 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then [send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you] post it. Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now? I occupy myself with painting, blogging and caring for my furry monster. I just can't seem to find anyone to pay me for that.
2. What color are your socks right now? I almost always barefoot
3. What are you listening to right now? the sound of my very noisy dishwasher
4. What was the last thing that you ate? watermelon
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Love to double clutch
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My mother in law, inviting her to dinner.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Seems like a good guy, inspite of his lean to the right
8. How old are you today? 50
9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? can't pick just one.Golf, Tennis , hockey and gymnastics
10. What is your favorite drink? Gin and Tonic or a dark imported belgian beer
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Puleeese? I raised 2 kids and I'm 50, what do you think?
12. Favorite food? anything with pasta
13. What is the last movie you watched? NO memory...wait, maybe...damn, I forget.
14. Favorite day of the year? everyday I'm up and moving
15. How do you vent anger? I throw food.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? was I a child?
17. What is your favorite season? fall
18. Cherries or Blueberries? I'll take them both
19. Do you want your friends to e-mail(blog) you back? good as any blog fodder.
20. Who is the most likely to respond? no clue
21. Who is least likely to respond?Elvis
22. Living arrangements? Resident Martha, studio artist, wife, long distant mom, bubbie, and my furry creature's human.
23. When was the last time you cried? holding my newest grandbaby for the first time.
24. What is on the floor of your closet? too dangerous to open and find out.
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest {that you are sending to}? my daughter
26. What did you do last night? walked furry monster, cooked dinner and vegged in front of the tv
27. What are you most afraid of? honestly...I try not to fear, but probably being a burden to my kids in my old age.
28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? NO COWS!!!! veggies please.
29. Favorite dog breed? lovable rescue mutts
30. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
32. Diamonds or pearls? why not something with color? sapphires, rubies, emeralds.
33. What is your favorite flower? orchids

Bubbie's cell phone to the rescue!

2008-06-27T12:49:00.003-04:00

I have been hemming and hawing for years..."I don't need a damned cell phone!" Something stuck in my pocket at all times, being wired everywhere all the time. I hate when I see people eating at restaurants, shopping in stores, seemingly talking to themselves...always on those blasted phones. They never seem to be in the NOW, oblivious to the world and people around them, connected and lost all at the same time. My argument has been, "I have a land line with voice mail, a computer with email and instant messaging, what can't wait till I'm home?"

Well! With what was obviously Divine intervention, I NEEDED that damned phone in an emergency situation, less than 24 hours after I was activated. And it was Bubbie to the rescue!
The bad guy is in jail, the young lady is safe at my home for now, and I'm waiting for that Divinity to come swooping down again with something other than a cell phone to help me out with what to do next.

It's a somber/sticky situation.
My very best friend in the world was this gals Mom. She, a single mom, was sick for quite a long time and passed away at a very young age of cancer. Her daughter, (The damsel in distress) had just turned 18 at the time. I've known her since she was a little girl and indeed the young woman has problems that have never been addressed. Of course I promised my friend on her deathbed that I would do my best to watch out after her babe. And here we are.

Here's hoping the man behind the curtain has something more in his bag for me than that blasted cell phone.

Welcome Bubbie to the New Millenium

2008-06-25T18:09:00.005-04:00

I've lived 50 years without a cellular phone.

Every year when a hurricane comes within 500 miles of my home, my children worry and fret when they can't reach me on my land line.

When I was stuck in Nashville Airport till the wee hours waiting for a connection (see Feel The Luv) that was the last straw. It was decided that I would be getting a cell phone. I was told it was long overdue that I join the new millennium.

I received it in the mail yesterday from my son-in-law with instructions for activation.

Well, I'm activated. I still don't know what all the buttons are for or what they do, but I can be reached now, and I can call for help or consolation if I happen to be stuck somewhere again.

And...I can always turn it OFF.

I'm a chimp

2008-06-24T08:57:00.001-04:00

Do you know the story of The 100th Monkey? In essence , the theory goes that once a new behavior or thought is learn by a group, when learned by the 100th person/animal, a critical mass is met and the behavior or idea becomes main stream in populations that are not even geographically related to the first. The behavior/idea/thought becomes an entity unto itself, a morphic field containing that information is accessed by others at any distance.

Well, who needs distance? We have the internet, email, junk mail, television, blackberries, Madison Avenue...

*Bubbie is having a mental visual (no, I'm not hallucinating!) of morphic fields reaching critical mass and exploding! Information Overload! Danger, Danger Will Robinson! Is there a commitment specialist in the house?

The story of the actual research with the little primates learning a new behavior (washing their sweet potatoes) from an energized idea plucked straight from the ether has been said to be fiction. Fiction or not, I think it's concept is pertinent and useful. A power that could be used for good...or EEE-vil....(insert Ms. Cheese's devilish laugh) At least we wash our sweet potatoes.

You may be asking yourself, as I am, "Why the hell is Bubbie talking about monkeys and morphing, and whatever the hell else she just said?"

Me too.

Feel the LUV

2008-06-18T07:01:00.004-04:00

Bubbie is Back

I was back in Ohio. It was an unplanned visit, kind of a throw some clean undies in a bag and pack your meds last minute trip.

I came home a calender day later than planned due to inclement weather.

The bright side is that I had never been to Nashville before. The dark side is that I never want to see Nashville again. Instead of being home in time for dinner, I dragged my sorry butt in the door at 3 am the next day.

I have learned some valuable lessons:

Book direct fights
If you are as stubborn as I about NOT owning a cell phone, have ten pounds of quarters. The few pay phones that are still in existence are few and far between and take 4 quarters for one call. By my calculations only 40% of them will take your money and complete your call.
If you don't own a cell phone that has it's own address directory, and knowing that you have NO memory for numbers, ALWAYS keep your family's phone numbers handy.
If you are addicted to nicotine, buy a patch. Many airports don't have assigned smoking sections, leaving you to either add to your homicidal fantasies while hoping they never reach critical mass or trek the long walk outside across the street from the baggage drop off area, only to trudge back inside and go through security all over again. (TSA agents and I were on a first name basis)
There's no place like home.

creating space

2008-05-29T17:38:00.005-04:00

I'm not really Making space, I'm clearing my space both physically and metaphorically. I tend to become cluttered both in my physical space and in my head. Papers and books pile up in corners and on tables, while projects in different stages of of progress scream out to me, "Me first. Me first!". While in my mind, my to-do list is swimming in a cyclone of mental post-it's.

Stop. Breathe. Relax...

One thing at a time. It's not like I have to punch a clock at a job 8 hours or more a day. I have time, lots of it.

First up, finish painting projects, to make room for the others that are in line. (it's a long line)

I recently finished this painting exercise of birch trees. I'm loosening up! I have been working on turning away from the tightly rendered realistic work I've done in the past. Pushing myself to have fun with the colors and the paint.

On to the next piece.

back to find my routine

2008-05-28T09:05:00.003-04:00

My daughter and her family have returned to their home. They were here for 2 weeks, staying at a beautiful beach cottage. We had a wonderful time, even though at times, I found myself bereft of "spoons" or any other metaphorical utensil.

Being a year-round resident, I don't routinely get to the beach, even though it's not more than a 10-15 minute drive. It's a shame really. The sunsets are awesome.

Walking on the beach presents a problem. Canes sink into the soft sand . If I make it down to the water's edge , the ebb and flow can knock me off my feet if not by the force, (this is the gulf, just a big lake really) the movement makes me dizzy and lose balance. I'm afraid that if I braved a trip to the beach alone, I might be mistaken for a marine mammal that can no longer function due to exposure to a neurotoxic red tide.

So, back to find my routine...after my weeks in Ohio and the birth of another beautiful grand daughter, and my daughter's visit with my beautiful and impish first grand daughter, I have had one busy month. I'm at home collecting a new inventory of entrenching tools.

Grandchildren

2008-05-16T16:38:00.002-04:00

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

This little munchkin spent the afternoon, the night and the next full day with me to give her parents some parentless vacation time. She's as cute as a button, very entertaining, and in the state of perpetual motion. (Terrible Two's are here)

Now I KNOW why I had my children when I was in my early 20's.

We colored the sidewalk with chalk designs, we colored giant sheets of paper and coloring book pages, we took walks, we played the piano, we looked at Bubbie's caged finches, we blew bubbles, we watered the flowers, we read books, played with old match-box cars, counted and sorted Bubbie's seashells,( I think that was all within the first 2 hours) had snacks, lunch, dinner, changed diapers, occasionally actually used the potty, and repeated the same activities over and over again. There was very little napping going on and we started again at 7 AM.

OK, I know...I'm old, BUT I'm not THAT old! By day two, I found myself desperate for Bubbie's Hubby to come home from work and relieve this old woman.
Yeah... I know, I'm not just old...I have MS, and just like after a marathon gardening or cleaning lapse of good judgement, I payed for having too much fun.

Ahhhh...but it's so worth it!

It's a Girl !

2008-05-08T18:13:00.004-04:00

Fashionably late, Bubbie's newest grand baby made her entrance to the world on Cinco de Mayo.

She's beautiful. Her name is Claire, and she and Mom are doing very well.

I flew back to Florida with bittersweet tears after my two week visit.

Now, I'm home in time to prepare for my daughter to visit with my other grand baby this weekend.

Camryn is two and is in a state of perpetual motion, not unlike most two year olds.

While at my son's I did a lot of walking (trying to coax that baby out of my daughter-in-law), shopping, and cooking. I also got in some good reading time while there. (topics for future blogs)

Now, one day home and I unpacked, resumed my class, went thru a mountain of mail, walked the furry monster ran errands and grocery shopped (all in one day! No wonder I'm pooped)

Thankfully I am still feeling stable.(In case you were wondering that's a reference to the physical state, not the mental)

I doubt you'll see a new post for at least the next two weeks, I don't foresee things slowing down, but I promise to make my rounds and at least read yours.

spring jewels

2008-04-22T17:24:00.003-04:00

I've been busy finishing up projects before I leave town. I'll be carting my crochet project with me. I haven't been able to sit and stitch as much. Seems that the repetitive motion , hand and arm positions aren't responding well to spastic muscles.

This was an assignment from the watercolor class I'm taking. It's a good lesson for me as I need to get more comfortable loosening up. It has a limited pallet and a cropped composition. It was fun.

Taking the class has been good for me in itself. They are a very nice group of people at the Art Center and I have an interesting instructor. It's been motivating and has created a momentum to make better use of my time at home.

All in all I'd say that it's proved to be good medicine for me.

The Blessed Event

2008-04-18T18:45:00.006-04:00

The due date is drawing near. My daughter-in-law and son are ready. I'm preparing to fly next week to be with them in anticipation of the Blessed Event. (Remember Kill The Wabbit?)

I remember when I was pregnant with my children, my grandma and great aunts would not refer to me as "pregnant". I was "with child" or "in a family way". The birth itself was not "labor, or delivery, it was referred to as simply, "the Blessed Event".

I always thought it just odd or quirky of them, but being devout Catholics I always had the feeling that it was just a prudish way of referring to the consequences of sex without any verbal ques that the woman involved wasn't anything but as pure as the Mother of God herself.

I'll be flying next Friday, navigating my layovers and connecting flights with my cane and carryon baggage. It's always an adventure, but I feel up to the task. I have been as stable as I have ever been with my MS lately. (somebody knock wood)

I've been busy preparing to leave the boys (Bubbie's Hubby and the Furry Monster), cooking and freezing the dog food (yes Martha is still alive), finishing some art projects, and gathering my stuff to pack.

So I leave you for awhile with this present. I Googled "Blessed Event " and besides the Pope's Holy Schedule for his visit to New york City, I found this recipe:

Salude!

Bubbie

Blessed Event Recipe

Ingredients for a Blessed Event:

Applejack® Brandy
Benedictine Herbal Liqueur
Curacao Orange Liqueur
Lime Juice
Quantities for one drink:
2 oz Applejack® Brandy
2 oz Benedictine Herbal Liqueur
1 Dash Curacao Orange Liqueur
3/4 oz Fresh Lime Juice

Blending Instructions:
Pour all ingredients into a cocktail shaker half-filled with ice cubes
Shake well, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve
Serve in a Cocktail Glass

bees do it

2008-04-13T11:09:00.002-04:00

I am a patient gardener.

I have had this specimen for 6 years and this is the very first bloom. I was told that it's a vanilla bean orchid. It grows like a terrestrial vine. I had never seen one in bloom before . The "orchid man" at the green house I visit often told me the vine needed to mature to somewhere around 20 feet or more before it will flower. Then I was told that when that happened I would have to play the part of Mother Nature's pollinating creatures since it lives on my patio, and make use of one of my small paint brushes and tickle it, I guess...if I wanted the flowers to create the coveted vanilla bean. ( I can only guess what my inner Martha will make with those)

Well, I did the deed and only time will tell if it was good for her. Oddly/Sadly? I'm a little excited.

avoidance

2008-03-31T09:36:00.005-04:00

I haven't written about my MS or MS in general for a long time.

It's avoidance.

It's annoyance.

It's just a series of pains, none of which are actually in my ass.

I had a call this weekend (love caller ID) from a woman whom I had met at a support group. She's unrelenting. A very nice and kind woman who has made me a mission of hers. She invites me to each and every MS group function and even has invited me to the occaisional afternoon movie and lunch.

When I answer the phone...I decline politely. I give some lame arse excuse to the date and time or just my fatigue level. Why can't I just say, " Your group is incredibly depressing! I don't want to fill my days with discussions of meds and symtoms. I want to fill my good days with things I enjoy doing, and THAT'S not one of them!" Honestly, I was the only one in the room not zipping around in a scooter. That's not something I want to see in my probable future.

I mentioned this to my doc once. His reply was that many others with MS don't go to the afternoon meetings because they are more functional and have jobs. I am functional...on most days, and no job. I've been on SSD for 5 years now, and damn it, I'll hobble and walk like a drunk as long as I can. Use it or lose it I tell myself.

So, I get out and about. I go to an art class once a week, visit galleries, go to the beach (when will these tourists go home?!) to the park with my furry monster, tend my flowers and orchids...I try to stay busy, occupied, integrating my life and illness.

Here's one of my favorite games:

When waiting in line at the store, or in an elevator, or any one of those moments of awkward silence with a stranger, inevitably the other person, noticing my dependence on my cane will say something about it. It's usually something like, "I just got rid of my cane after my auto accident/knee surgery/hip replacement." " Did you hurt your knee/hip/whatever?"

I know I should tell people I have Multiple Sclerosis.

Right?

Educate the public....NOT.

I have replied with that answer. It's not the answer they were looking for.

They wanted to identify with me...not be puzzled or scared by the possibility that that could happen to them.

Inevitably, when hearing that answer, before I can elaborate, they shrink away. Ewwwwwww, maybe it's catchy!

So my new game is a quick, jaw dropping answer. Here are a few....

"Rock climbing accident last summer....just now getting back to normal."

"I was parasailing and the rope broke. I crashed hard into the gulf."

"I used to be in the roller derby."

"After this last injury, I'm giving up mud wrestling."

Then hobble away, concealing your smile.

Happy Birthday!

2008-03-29T13:52:00.003-04:00

Bubbie's daughter turns 30!

Here's wishing her a wonderful day. She has always been a source of joy and pride . Now she is not only a terrific daughter but also a great mom.

Note to the birthday girl: Hope you like the picture. It took me longer to finish than I thought and didn't get shipped out with your other present.

EARTH HOUR 2008

2008-03-27T18:21:00.002-04:00

My son sent me this link. His company is participating, as are many others as well as entire cities across the globe.

This may be short notice, the hour is set for this Saturday at 8 PM for whichever time zone you are in. ( No need to calculate as in Cheese-Chat)

Check out the official web page and video's that are sponsored by the World Wildlife Fund and the National Geographic at : http://www4.earthhourus.org/ and help to reduce your human footprint...

So, the Bubbie asks you to join me Saturday night. Turn off your lights, TV, computers, light some candles, relax and read, get together with friends, or just your favorite someone for an hour. Just don't be making more babies. Not that Bubbie doesn't love babies, it's just that (if you watch the second video) you'll be multiplying your human footprints. That means countless gallons of milk produced by countless herds of methane belching bovines, trucked endless miles to your supermarket, along with the diapers that came from countless trees, trucked hundreds of miles that eventually add tons to your local landfills and on and on.... That kinda misses the point, at least for this one hour. Have fun, but not THAT much fun.

still painting

2008-03-17T18:59:00.000-04:00

I'm still painting.

(In case you thought I was being indolent) I have been good to my word.

I thought this piece was finished, but alas I have scrutinized it and realise that it needs more. The negative space on the bottom right is annoying me. Something will have to appear there.

This watercolor piece is larger than my previous postings of artichokes and florals. It measures 15" x 30".

I have 3 others in the works and will neglect blogging until more is accomplished. I have a problem you know where it comes to budgeting my time and keeping with my prioritized tasks. So, forgive me, and I'll be back soon.

Amazing Weekend

2008-03-17T09:50:00.004-04:00

I had the most relaxing, amazing weekend!

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful caring friends and supportive family. I was invited to join three gal pals to spend the weekend at a fabulous cottage on Boca Grande.

It could not have come at a better time. Last Monday I had called my doc's office to tell them that I was experiencing double vision (well one and a half vision). This came on the heels of my week of physically paying for my mulch-madness gardening faux pas. "Promptly", as usual, I received a call on Thursday afternoon from the nurse telling me the doctor wanted me to go get a MRI that night or Friday morning at the latest and then get myself to the hospital for the first day of a three day Solu drip. I informed her that I was feeling fine, (better than last week) seeing clearly (at least only one of everything) and that I had plans that didn't include being hooked up to an IV of steroids for three days.

So, I agreed to the MRI for crack of dawn on Friday morning and told her I would wait for the doc to read the results (that could be a week from now) and make decisions from there about meds or treatments.

Well, the weekend was wonderful. It was so restful that it felt like a week of bliss. I was surrounded by the company of good friends, amazing gardens, a beautiful beach, and staying in the lovely cottage home of a wonderfully generous couple that I haven't even personally met yet. Many thanks to all.

Sooooooo much better medicine than a three day drip!

The newest member

2008-03-12T08:29:00.007-04:00

As of today, there are 50 days left on my "next grandbaby ticker" at the bottom of the blog page.

The official due date is May 1st. The time has flown by for me, but I'm sure my daughter in law has a different perspective.

They sent me the 3D sonogram pictures yesterday. Isn't that amazing? They didn't have that cool stuff when I was having babies.

The big question is: Boy or girl????

The pictures were taken as to not let anything slip into the frame and give us a clue. The parents have said from day one that they want to be surprised.

Bubbie has been crocheting in blue long before the conception was announced. I believe it will be a bouncy baby boy. I'm even going to predict a birthdate. April 27th.

Anyone else want to take a guess?

I'm so excited..I'm going to be a Double Bubbie!

MS Awareness Month

2008-03-10T09:22:00.007-04:00

Awhile back I posted a video that was made for MS Awareness. Check it out if you haven't seen it. It was made in a shopping mall and passers by that were interested in what was going on came by and agreed to using props designed to simulate what it feels like to have MS.

Along with some of the props there were goggles smeared with Vaseline. Rubber gloves to wear while attempting to button a shirt, and a large physical therapy rubber band to wear around both calves to try to walk with, and dry macaroni to put in one's shoes.

Well, in kicking off MS Awareness month I agreed to volunteer at one of these tables last Saturday. I met two very nice women with MS , one with a precocious 10 year old daughter who had been to MS camp several times and was very informed on the subject.

Besides the props for the "experience" we had pamphlets and info on the coming walks and rides as well as all the general information on Multiple Sclerosis.

And we chatted amongst ourselves, and we sat...and sat...(well I did, I'm still hurting from mulch madness)

There were many people in the mall that day and we were positioned between the big anchor store and the food court. As people walked by I sat ready to make eye contact and smile...ready to offer a pamphlet and chat.

They walked by, quickly glancing at the table and then quickly moved away, on their particular mission, avoiding ALL eye contact. We weren't asking for donations! Were they afraid of us? One with a cane, the other with a rollator. I believe that they quickly assessed that we weren't giving anything away and moved on as if we weren't there. Even when I managed a nanosecond of eye contact with one and gave a cheery salutation it was made clear that we were invisible.

One of the ladies was bolder than I. She got up with some pamphlets and walked around the food court introducing herself to the mall diners. She wasn't always received well, but she persevered and managed a few conversations and one volunteer for our "experience".

We were (not me personally) interviewed and shown on our local news channel, but I was so disappointed at the reception we received at the mall. Maybe we needed a better presence. A large banner for our table, orange balloons we could have offered the children, orange rubber bracelets, maybe some ben-gaye for the geriatric crowd....Something!

The cynic in me is saying that most people don't really give a crap about anything unless it effects them personally. And I'm happy that it doesn't.

Friends

2008-03-09T13:47:00.004-04:00

Miss Cheese posted that she had this song in her head. I'm betting it wasn't this version, but I always liked Joe's rendition. I just had to look it up on UTube this morning and hear it myself. Maybe I resonate with his passion and obvious spasticity. LOL

She made me think this morning about how grateful I am for all of my wonderful friends.

Along with this thread, I am also reminded that we should treat ourselves as well as we treat our friends. So many times we might find ourselves going out of our way (a good thing) for a friend in need, but often won't do the same for ourselves. My friends offer me patience, time and encouragement. I often don't allow myself the same. Let's say it's time to get over that.

Carnival of Bloggers

2008-03-07T10:59:00.006-05:00

We are not alone. There are so many wonderful and interesting people out there in the blog-o-sphere, writing about life and living with multiple sclerosis.

Lisa, the creator of the Carnival of MS Bloggers (see side panel) has painstakingly put together this great list of links . Check out a few that you are not already familiar with and leave a comment on their blog. If you are a blogger that isn't on the list, please drop a line to me or Lisa and introduce yourself.

Join the Carnival.

Names of the Blogs - Name of Blogger (if known)
and # of posts in 2008 (as of 3/5)

9 Brand New MS Bloggers joined the blogosphere in 2008!!

New! Carole's MS Blog (Carole) 49

New! Great Mastications (Orla) 37

New! Movin' On with MS (Sammie) 26

New! Me, Myself and MS (Emma) 10

New! Being Ammey 8

New!Blogbuster (Daniel) 6

New! Etsy Crest (Shelby) 6

New! Serina's Blog 5

New! I'm Beating MS (Michael) 2

Most Prolific MS Blogger - so far in 2008!!

Jim's Deep Thoughts (Jim) 231

Top 10 Rather Prolific MS Bloggers - so far in 2008!!

A Stellarlife (Diane) 109

Multiple Synchronicities & Sclerosis (Merelyme) 90

Friday's Child 70

My Journey - Living Well with MS (Diana) 69

Sunshine and Moonlight (Kim) 65

The MonSter Ate My Branes! (Natalie) 65

Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia 60

Brass and Ivory (Lisa) 56

Brain Cheese (Linda) 52

Maybe I'm Just Lazy (Julie)51

28 Moderately Prolific MS Bloggers - so far in 2008!!

Maggsbunny (Maggie) 48

Living with Multiple Sclerosis (TC) 47

MS My Way 43

Bugs, Bikes, Brains (Shauna) 39

Dancing with MS (Lazscott) 37

Trying to Catch My Breath 37

A Florida Journal (SwampAngel) 35

Now We Are Six (Tish) 33

Reality Check (Michael) 32

Access Denied (Herrad) 31

Multiple Sclerosis Blog (Charles of MSBpodcast.com) 30

MS Activist (NMSS) 29

Self-injecting Chinese Hamsters since 2007 27

Shirl's the Girl (Shirley) 27

Disabled Not Dead (Anne) 26

Life with MS (Trevis) 26

Living with MS (Blinders Off) 25

White Lightning Axiom - Redux (mdm) 25

Stevers! 23

Word Salads (Have Myelin?) 23

Danieldoo (Vivian) 22

Caregivingly Yours (Patrick) 20

Deo Volente (Lisa N) 20

Down the MS Path (Vicki) 19

Do You Have That in My Size? (Denise) 17

Jenn's Nook (Jenn) 17

Fingolimod and Me (Jeri) 16

Human Life Matters (Mark) 16

51 Mildly Prolific MS Bloggers - so far in 2008!!

A Life of Learning with MS 15

Behind Blue Eyes (Zee) 15

Katy and Mike's Adventure (Katy) 15

Living Life as a Snowflake (Sharon) 15

Mandatory Rest Period (Kim) 15

MS Maze (Mandy) 15

My Journey with MS (Christina) 15

The Multiple Sclerosis Companion (Pat) 15

'Tis Herself (Kell) 15

A Short in the Cord (Joan) 14

Blindbeard's MS Blog 14

Bubbie's Blog (Cathy) 14

One Crazy Chick (Chris) 14

Pat's Pond (Pat) 14

Rants and Musings (Cutter) 14

G and K's Mom 13

MS Toolkit 13

Newly Diagnosed with MS (Andrea) 13

One Life (Stephen) 13

MS Not Just a Diary (Doug) 12

Rayne's World (Jayme) 12

Chaos Personified 11

My MS Journal (Jaime) 11

Purely Patsy (14 yr old Patsy) 11

Victoria Plum - Technician! (Victoria)11

26 Less Prolific MS Bloggers - so far in 2008!!

Broken Clay (Katja) 10

Mark Pickup (Mark) 10

My Chain Driven Ride through Life in Alaska (Michelle) 10

Deborah Does Navel-Gazing (Deb) 9

Funky Mango's Musings 9

Inside the Mind of a Squirrel 9

Living Well with MS (Michon) 9

No Time for MS (Courtney) 9

Sorting It All Out (Michael) 9

Travels With Lucy (Virginia) 9

MS Caregivers (Prudence) 8

Can You Hear Me Now? (Donna) 7

Irreverence is Justified 7

Multiple Sclerosis Notes 7

My Tysabri Diary (Lauren) 7

Chris Has MS (Chris) 6

Diary of MS X (7 Divas) 5

Electrical Disturbance (Stephan) 5

Know Multiple Sclerosis 5

MS in the OC (Frank) 5

MS News and Notes (Deb) 5

MS Recovery Diet Blog (Ann) 5

The Endomorph (Ruth) 5

The Jaws of My Life (Jaws) 5

Time to Deal with MS (Homer) 5

YodaMamma MS & More 5

38 Barely Prolific MS Bloggers - so far in 2008!!Some of these folks have multiple blogs or co-blog and are loved none-the-less!! Let's help spread the love and let them know that WE know they are appreciated.

Carolyne's MS Odyssey (Carolyne) 4

Defeating Illness (Chris) 4

Intent, Context, Perception (Chris) 4

Libbi's MS Journey (Libbi) 4

MS Recovery Diet Blog (Judi) 4

My Autoimmune Life 4

The Life & Times of Sancho Knotwise (JM) 4

The Zen Pretzel Trick (Zen Angel) 4

When it's Raining... (Keeley) 4

Kebenaran - The Truth 3

Montana Homecoming (Sister Jane) 3

Ms Quill 3

Reality Chick (Keli) 3

Catch My Disease (Lisle) 2

Clods and Pebbles 2

Dissonance 2

Georgia MS Advocates 2

Lazy Dog Public House 2

Looking Forward with MS (Pamela) 2

Surviving MS in Alaska (Michelle) 2

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty (Trrish) 2

Troy's Multiple Sclerosis Experience 2

You Me and MS (Judi) 2

Camille's MSadventures 1

Comment Column (Virginia) 1

Erik's MS & Lyme Blog 1

Hop Bloody Hop (Philip) 1

Jenn's Journey with MS (Jenn) 1

Living with MS (Cyndee) 1

Mismorphic's World of MS 1

MS Musings 1

MS Real Life Stories & Issues (Kristin) 1

Postcards of My Life (Sherry) 1

Rebooting Times 1

Shoester (Doug) 1

The BS of My MS (Heather) 1

The Perseverant Pincushion (Trish) 1

Tysabri Help (Deej) 1

Having too many items from various posters to count:

LJ Users with Multiple Sclerosis

And finally - 26 MS Bloggers who have been silent in 2008!!

Angst on a Shoestring (Gina)

Dandelion Wine (Lynx)

Doug's MS Journal (Doug)

Imagine Bliss Butterfly (Suzy)

It's Not All in My Head (Optimist)

Just Above the Abyss (Heidi)

Life with MS , seeking a cure (Karyl)

Managing MS with Tai Chi (Joel)

Managing Multiple Sclerosis

Marciarita Michele's Blog

Mike's Place

MS -My Scene (Virginia)

My Complications (Amanda)

My Demyelination (Tina)

My MS Experience Object of My Injection (Michelle)

Say It Isn't So (Mouse)

Talk Story with Kimberly

The Great NetXperiment To Be Continued... (Jaime)

Truth and Beauty (Baraka)

Tryin' to Imagine Bliss (Suzy)

What is MS to Me (Dave)

Willy's MS Rants Wind Among the Reeds

Hard to categorize:

I Have MS (Tim)

Huggins' MS Pages (James)

MS - A Personal Account MS Protocols (Jeff)

MSB's Podcast

MSing Around Multiple Sclerosis Blog and News

Multiple Sclerosis Sucks

OUCH!

It's a Disability Thing

Squiffy's House of Fun

Thank you for helping to build a stronger MS Community

Today's Mantra

2008-03-07T08:03:00.002-05:00

Please!

This is ridiculous. A couple of hours of yard work (see Maven of Mulch entry) on Monday and I'm still paying for it on Friday? No fair! My legs and arms are weak and shaky. When I sit still it appears like my muscles are playing ping pong with each other or else have a funky beat they are dancing to. I wake up in the early morning hours (shank of the day) skrinching funny faces and grimaces of pain as soon as the 225 mgs of Lyrica wear off and the tizanadine lost it's ability to keep me in coma.

Not to worry, I'm not depressed...I'm pissed off! There are things I want to do.

I should give a plug here to Sue since I swiped her work for my blog pic today. A very nice woman I met at the farmers market a few weeks ago.A talented lady who makes these arty collages on t-shirts, pillows, cards and more. Of course I had to own one. She uses many fun quotes and phrases along with vintage looking fabrics. Check out her web site.

More Birds

2008-03-06T10:37:00.005-05:00

Not all of our birds are pink.

The white peacock was just strolling in the shade.This snowy egret posed for me while the great blue heron made a run for it. It was a beautiful day , very relaxing and enjoyable. I'm still hurting from my mulching madness, but now I have plenty of reference to amuse me while I recover.

I've been playing tourist in my home town. Funny how people who have lived their whole lives near a major attraction have never been there. I've known New Yorkers that had never been to the Statue of Liberty, and friends here in my town living within 10 miles of the gulf and haven't been to the beach in years.

Flamingos

2008-03-05T16:22:00.002-05:00

No gardening for me today.
So I went with a friend to take reference pictures for future paintings. We went to the local tourist attraction and took pictures of all sorts of wildlife and tropical scenery. Today I will share the flamingos.
Their image has been plastered on every possible kitschy souvenir item imaginable. I have seen new and vintage ashtrays , jewelry, picture frames, refrigerator magnets all adorned by the not really pink, flamingo. ( Or maybe that's just my disturbed optic nerve talking)

Maven of Mulch

2008-03-04T13:26:00.005-05:00

"Argue

for your limitations,

and sure enough,
they're

yours."

That quote is from "Illusions. The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah" by Richard Bach.

Maybe I still fall back into denial. After all this time I still have trouble with acceptance. I am willfull. I am stubborn. I am proud, independent and damn it to hell...I have a progressive disease that causes disability.

I don't want to limit myself. I don't want to give up. "Fake it till you make it"rings in my head.

But I do curtail some of my desired actions knowing my "limitations". For instance I stopped going to the farmers market two weeks ago because of the outrageous influx of the snow bird population. I "walked" shoulder to shoulder through the throngs of untanned people wearing socks with their sandals. I found myself stumbling through the marsh of people with my cane in my left hand, my purse strap over my shoulder and my Eco shopping bags in my right hand being tripped by people coming up faster behind me with their right foot between my left and my cane.
Can I go downtown to the market? Sure I can... But, is it a good idea?

We have been having wonderful weather and I love my flowers and my garden. I love playing in the dirt. I love being outdoors on beautiful days. (hell hasn't broken lose yet. The temps are divine) On my way to the grocery store I stopped at the garden center of the local mega hardware store for much needed mulch. (have you already figured the ending of this story?)
Surely this superstore has a stock boy to run these bags out to my trunk. After I was handed my receipt for what I would soon learn to be tons of mulch and a few new posies I couldn't resist, the lady in the orange vest told me no one was available to help me. I was to help myself. OhhhhhhhhKayyyyyy.....
Should I have protested? Gotten angry? Played the wimp card? (lady with sad eyes, pout and cane)
I did neither...I took my shopping cart to the outside area with piles-o-mulch bags, picked them up and loaded them two at a time in my cart, pushed them to my car, loaded them in my trunk, and repeated the process. Precarious as it was, I did not fall or lose my balance.
Proud of myself, I drove home and unloaded the bags to a new pile in my yard.
That should have been the end of my mulch tale, but NO...I had to get back outside and play. I weeded, planted and mulched, and was thoroughly enjoying every moment of it and the sense of accomplishment.
Sure enough, almost three hours later, my zen of gardening alpha state was rudely interrupted by a harsh reality. I was on my knees and could not get up.

" Brain to legs, brain to legs....come in legs. Are you there?"
"Brain? Is that you? You're breaking up. We've lost power!"
"Brain to arms, do you read me? DO-YOU-READ-ME?"
"nahhhh...I don't think so"

I did eventually get up, but not without wondering what I was going to do if I couldn't. I made it inside and to the top of my bed where my hubby found me when he came home. A half dose of tizanadine kept me there, dazed and spasm free till evening. Hubby left for work this morning and I was admonished in the voice of Seinfeld's soup-nazi. "NO GARDENING FOR YOU!"

I felt good, willing and able to perform the task I chose. I enjoyed doing it.
Can I work in the yard? Sure. Should I? Of course I should. Should I limit myself before my body protests?
Will I ever learn? ( I don't think I want to)

I'm Wonka-fied

2008-02-20T22:08:00.005-05:00

"So Much Time, So Little To Do." ~ Willy Wonka

Did Wonka have MS, or was his concept of time terminally warped from a lifetime overexposure of chocolate and sugar? Maybe having the army of odd little people doing all the factory work for him gave him the odd sense of doing everything and yet nothing.

I have been Wonka-fied. I have chatted on this subject with some of you before. It goes like this:

I used to:_________________________________________________

(fill in the blank with: work full time, raise my kids, drive the baseball team to a gazillion games/practices, make it to recitals, have all of the groceries stocked for every occaision, cook the meals, clean up, work overtime, get by on almost no sleep, look pretty damned good, be at parent-teacher conferences, help with homework, even the hard stuff, make time for friends and party-hearty on occaision)

Now I :___________________________________________________

(can't fill the blank...I, ahhh...ehhh, what???? I dunno, I'm laughing too hard)

I haven't worked in 5 years. 5 years! With 5 years off you would think that I might have had the time to learn a foreign language or two, write the Great American Novel (or at least a novella) or at very least paint my masterpiece.

Instead, after getting out of bed (sometimes a major feat in itself) and making the mandatory pot of coffee, it sometimes takes me an hour or more to shake the fog from my head. Fully awakened from my jolt of caffeine I get showered and dressed only to find my energy level back to pre coffee levels. A short recooperative period is needed before attempting to leash the furry monster so he can drag me around the block.

Back from my drag more coffee is in desperate order. I drink this while staring at the weather map while the news anchor tells me it's going to be hotter than hell.

OMG! It's noon! How did that happen. Hmmm? Noon. Twelve. That means I should stop and eat lunch. Stop what? Did I eat breakfast?

Find some food, make lunch, get distracted while looking through pantry and decide to make something out of the 4 ingredients left in there....flour! I can make homemade ravioli! Maybe a pie crust! Oh no..Martha's back! Make a mess, clean up mess (kind of).

Phone rings..never finished cleaning up. Chat with friends, mess with solicitors. Distractions everywhere. Awwwww...furry monster wants to play. P.U! He needs a bath! Now the kitchen and bathroom are a mess.

He heard the mailman. Walk to the mailbox. Stop and sit outside to read junk mail and notice the flowers need watering. Maybe a little pruning here and there.

What time is it? Shit. What was I going to make for dinner? Do I have to go to the grocery store? Dig in fridge for leftovers that aren't fuzzy.

Honestly, I'm not blaming this ALL on MS. Sure there are days that I give into the fatigue, or headaches. It's all of this TIME! Lack of direction and focus are not all due to cognitive impairments, it's lack of having to be accountable. I have no boss, no deadlines, no monetary incentives even! What good is time managment when you have all the time in the world and nothing that HAS to be done?

On the bright side, I have made a concious decision to make some things a priority. I have been taking classes one day a week and I have been painting. I will admit though, making myself actually devote myself to some structured studio time at home hasn't been without many of the distractions listed above.

What can I say?I'm a work in progress.

Quote of the Month

2008-02-08T19:40:00.000-05:00

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"Eleanor didn't have my mother." ~ Bubbie

8 Random Things

2008-02-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

Sharon Tagged me a long time ago to name 8 random things about Moi.

Lets see if I can come up with some obscure Bubbie-ness for you.

I have NEVER been west of the Mississippi

2. I have a violent reaction to loud rap music

3. I have worn glasses for nearsightedness since the age of 7

4. I have been known to have a superhuman tolerance to the effects of shooting tequila

5. I can wander through antique stores for hours

( That has nothing to do with the effects of number4)

6. I have amassed a collection of strange and exotic stash boxes ( to hide my, ah, well...stash)

7. I know the words to damned near every song Bob Dylan ever wrote.

8. I am a pretty good Cribbage player

She's gonna lose it!

2008-02-07T07:53:00.000-05:00

Have you noticed my new ticker at the bottom of my blog? Yup..that's me, dieting.

I was inspired by one of our own infamous muses, Ms. Cheese. She posted about mindful eating a couple of weeks ago.

At first my defenses rose, and the not so little voice inside my head indignantly told me that I WAS mindful. After all...I eat healthy organic vegetarian cuisine. I buy my overpriced foods at the trendy grocery store and farmer's market. Of course I eat fats, but good fats. I eat extra virgin olive oils on my salads, locally grown avocados, and yummy olives from the gourmet olive bar. And the extra weight I have been carrying around? Well, there have been the solu drips, the oral prednisones, the pile-o-pills I take regularly, and the best exercise I can muster is walking (sauntering) my dog around the block at approximately 2-3 miles per hour, of course I have packed on a few, but at no fault of my own, right?

That changed when I logged on to my daily plate. I entered what I had been so mindfully injesting and was shocked at the caloric totals. Crap! Brown rice is healthy..but not in the deep bowl I serve myself with beans. A serving is 3/4 of a cup! That's just a tease. And pasta, albeit organic whole wheat or artichoke flour is insanely high in calories. My problem wasn't ding dongs and ho-ho's, it was unhealthy portions of the good stuff.

So, no more chugging soy milk, pouring on the olive oil, or feasting on deep bowls of rice or pasta. I decided to give it a try, just for a couple of weeks at first, just to see if it would make some pounds disappear from this body that has been increasing in size for the past 10 years. (after 40 it just started growing again)

The web site is easy to use. If I see my calorie total nearing it's max by midday, I manage to take the wild beast for another walk or two, so that I can have a decent supper and maybe a small bite of dark chocolate. So far I have been pleased with the results and surprisingly haven't chewed off my arm or threatened any one's life.

My goal is to lose one to two pounds a week, a total of 22 pounds. I gave myself some leeway, and have my do or die date set for May 1st.

Wish me luck. I'm off to buy smaller plates and bowls. Food looks bigger that way.

Art-e-chokes Revisited and Completed

2008-02-05T22:35:00.000-05:00

Alas...I have completed my second project. Although tedious, I did enjoy the process. I didn't own a digital camera when I painted before. It was fun to take shots of the piece as it went through it's stages. I always found it to be a help when I could break down a painting into it's different stages of progress, it just never happens all at once.

I'm beginning to feel like a painter again! There is a beach scene underway and a floral still life on the drawing board. My class will be over at the end of the month. I have promised myself to continue painting on my own with or without assignments. Discipline has never been my strongest suit.

Thanks to everyone for their part in cheerleading me on. It feels good to paint again.

Hope thy name is ED

2008-02-05T07:16:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, made coffee and decided to catch up on my internet reading. I have Google alert me to all new articles pertaining to my interests. One category, of course, is Multiple Sclerosis. When I opened my message box of MS related news items and articles I was filled with hope. Yes HOPE! It seems that out of the 240 items Google had highlighted for me, nearly half of them were about MS and ED. Erectile Dysfunction.

Why do I, of all things feel HOPEFUL when faced with dozens of articles about flaccid penises?

If MS effects men in this particular way, if it in anyway has an ill effect on their "manhood", well then ...it MUST be stopped. Yes! A cure is on it's way!

Face it, when a disease effects a woman's sexual organs, what do they ( the medical powers that be) do? Of course! They cut them off or scoop them out. A man's organ? Do they cut them off? No. They plant little seeds.

Yes I have empathy for the men afflicted with this problem, but wait, woman with MS experience sexual dysfunction too. Many have lack of sensation and an inability to reach orgasm. But alas, my inbox has never been filled with a call to arms on that subject.

Wet Paint

2008-02-01T07:06:00.000-05:00

This is exciting! Bubbie has been painting.

Thanks to the persistance of Ms.C . (you know who you are), I enrolled in a watercolor class at the local arts center.

To get the idea of how I have felt, let me equate it to a person who played an instrument in high school and then thirty years later can't honestly say they can "play".

I was a working professional artist for most of my years before MS. In the past five years everytime I picked up a brush I was intimidated. My eyes don't focus the same, colors are different, my hand isn't steady, can't sit/stand/fill in the blank too long, and as the time flew (slowly) by I lost my confidence, my nerve. I honestly felt like I was an artist in a previous life. I used to teach classes like the one I'm in, and now I really needed to begin as a student again. I'm regaining my confidence, remembering techniques used long ago, and spending my time productively for a change.

The top pic is of the current piece in progress. Artichokes and tomatos in a wicker basket. A tedious excercise, but I'm enjoying the challenge. This class is teaching realistic watercolor painting. Although a good skill to have in your art tool box, I would prefer to paint more fluid and spontaneously. I'm sure that I will be able to integrate my own style into my own work as I go.

The second picture is an incomplete study of one of my orchids. I'm working on building up the color to be more dynamic.

The third pic is of my very first completed assignment. Red amyarillis. Of course the very first project would be RED. I can't see reds! As it turns out, my red flowers are much deeper in color than my fellow student's. And that's OK. It was good to get that hurdle behind me.

So there you have it. This is what I have been doing for the last two weeks. Instead of updating you here on my painting progress, I will open a sister-blog to show my work.

Many Doctors Recommend....

2008-01-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

I have no idea when this ad ran. I'm guessing by the dress and the politically incorrectness it was the 40's or early 50's. After all LYSOL was a household name, I just had no idea that it ever had a place in a douche bag.

Besides the fact that she was made to supposed by the the makers of the disinfectant that her husband was indifferent to her because she needed to be internally fumigated, I find it "hysterical" (ha ha ha) that it professes the recommendation from many doctors.

I wonder what humorous findings our children will read about our doctor's medical recommendations 50 years from now.

ESP

2008-01-22T14:43:00.000-05:00

*****ESP*****

Do you remember the Amazing Kreskin?

If not, you're just a young'un. He went on as a guest on TV shows in the 60's and I think he later had his own show where he did his amazing things. He read minds and showed the world examples of his uncanny ability to know the name of the card you were holding. Very tame stuff compared to what the illusionists and magicians do on TV today.

Well, I'm not blogging today on whether or not you believe in a sixth sense, but cyberworld has an interest in your ability or your lack of it. You see, search engines depend on words and images that correspond with what you are searching for. OK, so maybe it's not as much as the ability to "know" as much as it is a command of words and language.

Anyway...I digress. As a person with MS, I often have trouble finding the right word. I know it..it's there on the tip of my tongue, or it's on the tape and I'm waiting for my brain to rewind. This troubles me. Damn...I did have an English major with an Art minor. I'm well read. Now I have trouble remembering what I just read.

This website caught my attention. http://www.espgame.com/ It's run by Carnegie Mellon and they use the results from us playing the esp game with other gamers online to better understand what words we use to describe the pictures they show. This information is used to help search engines find just what it is we are looking for when we fill in the blank with just a word or two.

I warn you! The game is quick and addicting. After finishing one game and seeing the results you are hard pressed not to play one more time. But on the bright side, think of it as a cognitive excercise to keep those synapses ungunked.

Martha Must Die!

2008-01-20T11:50:00.000-05:00

I have been possessed since the holidays. It came upon me suddenly and took over my mind and body. I thought it was just a "holiday ghost" and would leave as soon as the tree was down, BUT Nooooo... I have been struggling with this demon ever since. Her name is Martha, and as you might know, she thinks she is a domestic goddess. The antithesis of Bubbie. Yes, the ANTI-Bubbie!

She has driven me to dawdle through aisle 5 at the grocery store, throwing ingredients in my cart. Flour, unsweetened cocoa, bakers chocolate, flours, flavorings, sweeteners, herbs and spices. I have made cookies, cakes and pies from scratch. The flour sifter has made a permanent home for itself on my kitchen counter. Beans have been soaked, soups made and frozen, sauces and stews from recipe books that haven't been opened in decades. It's been scary.

This demon has not only had her way in the kitchen, she set her sights on the rest of the house too! She has drug me through fabric stores. Not only has she had me to recover my dining room chairs, she's planning to sew new draperies in there too. ( Damn, I think she just whispered to me something about a beautiful shade of paint for the living room)

There are fresh flowers in the vases about the house. There's a new crochet project next to my chair, lest I totally waste time in front of the TV, and my house is strangely clean with the scent of flowers and candles.

I will admit, a little Martha goes a long way. She's not all bad, she just needs to chill out and relax. I can't say I haven't enjoyed the fruits of these labors and the fact that I have been able to follow through on them physically is saying a lot. I think Martha came with the cooler temperatures. This Martha and my MS couldn't stand the heat in the Florida summers. I know too well there have been days I could not even stand at the kitchen counter, or have the strength and coordination to use a sharp knife and chop veggies or clean up.

Ok...she can hang awhile longer. I want to see what she has in mind for the living room.

New Warning

2008-01-09T14:08:00.000-05:00

Serious Skin and Hypersensitivity Reactions with Provigil

Ahhh....of course. Just as I have been luxuriating in almost a full month without injecting myself with interferon, this following little tidbit of information was fowarded to me:

Cephalon has notified healthcare professionals about new safety
information for Provigil (modafinil). Provigil is used to reduce excessive
sleepiness in adult patients with narcolepsy and other sleep disorders. Provigil
is not approved for any indication in children.The revised labeling warns that
Provigil can cause life-threatening skin reactions, including Stevens-Johnson
Syndrome (SJS). Although benign rashes can also occur with this drug, the
company says that it is not possible to reliably predict which rashes will be
serious. Because of this, Provigil should ordinarily be stopped at the first
sign of a rash, unless the rash clearly is not related to the drug. The labeling
also warns that Provigil can cause other serious hypersensitivity reactions. If
a multi-organ hypersensitivity reaction is suspected, the drug should be
discontinued. Patients should be told to stop taking the drug if they develop
signs or symptoms suggesting angioedema or anaphylaxis. Provigil can also cause
psychiatric symptoms, including anxiety, mania, hallucinations and suicidal
ideation. The company advises caution when the drug is given to patients with a
history of psychosis, depression or mania. If psychiatric symptoms develop,
consider discontinuing the drug.
Additional Information:
FDA MedWatch
Safety Alert. Provigil (modafinil) Tablets. October 24, 2007.http://www.fda.gov/medwatch/safety/2007/safety07.htm#Provigil

I have only been taking Lyrica, Tizanadine (generic zanaflex) the occaisional Klonopin, a more serious pain pill as needed (not since I have been interferon free) and for the last year, what I thought my was life saver...PROVIGIL.

I had been prescibed this med years ago and never even tried it, not even with the ample amount of free samples I was given. Maybe it was the Owellian name that put me off. I could not rationalize taking something to keep me up when obviously my body was screaming for rest. Then there was the pill itself. It's not an amphetamine, it keeps you up and alert and able to focus (all things I needed), and it's on THE list. You know, the list of substances that can and are often abused. There's also the question of HOW exactly does it work. Well, that seems to be the case with many of the drugs on the market. They know what the results are likely to be, but haven't got a clue as to how it does what it does or why.

So, last year, I was asked again if I wanted it. (want some candy little girl?) Hmmmm? Do you have to take it everyday? Is it addicting? Side effects?

The answers were NO, NO, and NO.

The desire I had to live a more productive life won out over my fear of trying a new drug. After all, this was the third doc that has offered it to me in the last 5 years. Could they all be in cahoots?

The sample packs I was given were 200 mg tablets. I tried it. I zoomed. I sped. I didn't sleep, even that night. I vibrated, I talked fast, and I did a million things.

Fast forward to the next day------------------>

I crashed. I called the doc. Nurse told me to take half the dose and try again. I waited a few days and tried it again at half strength. Not bad! I didn't feel like a cross country trucker. I didn't vibrate, I was alert, could focus, got things done and didn't need to nap. That was actually nice. I thought to myself that I had really missed out the last 5 years. I was determined though to take it PRN. If I had things to do and needed to be awake through them, I would plan to take one in the morning. (If I took one late morning, it would just prolong the effects and keep me up past a reasonable bed time) So, that was the plan.

It turned out that on a provigil day I could do the shopping, some housework, and have a productive day BUT, the next day that I didn't take one, I crashed anyway. This led to taking it 3 or 4 days in a row, not wanting to crash...and then to just taking it everyday. I was assured by my doc and his nurse that the was perfectly fine. I was on a very low dose, a dose that many of his patients took triple of.

Long story short is that I loved taking it and loathed taking it, knowing that if I missed a day the crash was epic.

And now, a FDA warning. What a surprise! I know the Multiple Sclerosis won't kill me, but I do believe that one or the other med for the symptoms and control of it most probably will.

True Confessions

2008-01-02T21:41:00.000-05:00

I have a confession. I haven't been posting and I haven't been keeping up with your blogs. Forgive me.

The question is why.

*I could say that it's because the Holidays kept me soooo busy with friends and family and cooking and baking.

I cooked mounds of food and tons of deserts. I out-did myself...and I couldn't stop. I made things from scratch! Pies and cakes and cookies, Oh my! Flour sifters and measuring cups and piles of dirty mixing bowls. The holidays are over and STILL I am being a MARTHA. I don't know what got into me, but it had better get out. Call an exorcist.

*I could say that the weather here was (underline was) so perfect here between Christmas and New Year's that it would have been a sin not to be enjoying the outdoors. The pictures are from the bay front park. By the dolphin fountain is where my son was married just one year ago.

*I could say that I have been fortunate to have received some very good reading material. I have read 3 good books in the last 6 weeks. It's a terrible vice of mine (unlike the baking that was just a fluke). When I begin a book, and it captures me within the first chapter, I do little else 'till the book is completed. Honestly...the house could be burning down around me and I would finish a chapter before getting up, grabbing probably nothing but the pages in hand and calling the fire department while running out the door flipping to the next page.

It's true. None of these are lies. I have been distracting myself from anything that I have related to MS. I have been off my Rebiff injections since the 1st week of December and it has been wonderful. Did I say wonderful?? It's been great, glorious, amazing. What a difference! I still have MS...IT always reminds me, but none of the ill effects of my previously mentioned disease modifying agent.

I was told by my cut and dry, who hates when I ask questions neuro (wish I had a replacement in the wings) to give myself a month off (how gratuitous) the interferon and then call his office (not HIM, his office) and let them know what I've decided.

He ran through a very short list of my options after giving his professional opinion that the Rebiff didn't agree with me. (Like I needed a doctor to tell me that) I asked about other therapies and options I know of and he shot them down as quick as the words left my mouth.

I know how much better I feel now without the added side effects.

I don't feel like any of HIS favored options are worth considering and he has no argument nor education to offer for any of them. It's like saying, "Pick your poison".

Having just finished reading my last book this afternoon, I may have to go buy a new one or troll the library tomorrow. The cooking has got to stop.

pictures and cookies

2007-12-18T09:19:00.000-05:00

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.

-- Author:Gene Perret

I have been amiss. I promised to post pictures from my 2 week hiatus with my grand baby at Thanksgiving. Here it is almost Christmas! I don't know where my time goes. Yes..that is I, the Bubbie, reading to the baby.

I had a wonderful time even with the upper respiratory crud that was so lovingly shared with me.

Camryn will be two in a few short days. She continues to be a wonderful Christmas present, and watching my daughter with her fills me with tremendous pride...she's a wonderful mommy.

My son and his wife will be arriving tomorrow and will be here for Christmas. Their baby is due in May. I love being a Bubbie!

Before closing this post I'll share my recipe for mint meringue cookies, so you might be able to whip up a batch before Christmas. I learned this one from my mother in law. It's a must-make for my hubby and kids.

You will need:

4 egg whites

1 1/2 cups of sugar

a few grains of salt

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

1/2 tsp. mint extract

1/8 tsp. cream of tartar

optional green or red food coloring

bag of chocolate chips

parchment paper

cookie sheets

use a stainless steel or glass mixing bowl for the egg whites

all utensils must be very clean and dry

separate eggs while cold but whip egg whites at room temperature

best results are with low humidity (a rarity in Florida)

preheat oven to 350 degrees

Beat egg whites with salt and tartar till they hold soft peaks

Add sugar gradually while continuing to whip

also add the extracts and food coloring

fold in the chips

Drop meringues on parchment covered cookie sheets

put them in the oven

leave temp on oven for a few minutes (maybe 3-5)

turn oven off and leave cookies in overnight

Don't open the door to peek!!

store in a airtight container lined with waxed paper

Enjoy!

Bubbie MIBW

2007-12-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

Bubbie has been MIBW (Missing In Blog World)

Thank you to all who have been concerned.

I am OK, it's just been an adjustment period. I could be officially considered mal-adjusted or worse.

The nightmare that was delivered by the tiny ovaries of ethnic hamsters is over. I have been officially declared intolerant of Interferon 1-a. Unofficially it has been well known for the last 3 months.

But...I'm taking it one day at a time and with the Holidays approaching at the speed of light I am looking forward to the New Year, a time to take a deep breath, sigh relief, and get on with the show.

I have been given one month to detox from the rebiff and then to render my decision on my future treatment . (Insert dramatic southern bell accent) The options are all so very wonderful...how ever will I decide?

The decision has been put on a virtual shelf. I am busy wrapping presents, baking cookies (today's batch will be pheffeneusse and mint meringues)

Happy Holidays to you all!

In the mean time, this is a new video that was sent to me by my local MS group.

Some Days You Just Wanna Puke

2007-12-03T13:32:00.000-05:00

Curious isn't it? A culture that made a ceremony out of purging? This is from National Geographic.

This vessel found in NW Hondouras is believed to have been used by the Mayan to drink an herbal concoction that induced vomiting and therefore facilitated communing with dead ancestors.

Although I have never communed with my dead ancestor's as the result of puking my brains out, I have on occaision communed with someone or things "out there" before I reached critical mass and puked. At that point and for some time after, you don't want to talk to the dead, you are wishing you could join them quicky to end the earthly misery you have self inflicted.

Well those days are long gone for the Bubbie, but I still feel the need to purge. Not the physical things in my surroundings like in Spring Cleaning, it's the clutter in my head and the toxins I feel building up in my body that are in my scope. Looking at my medicine bag, the one I used as my carry-on for vacation I noticed how incredibly large it was. All drugs and the associated accoutrement's! Pills, syringes, cotton balls, alcohol wipes, catheters...I have become a virtual druggie. I have become dependent on meds, and meds for side effects of the aforementioned meds and so on and so on. Isn't that nuts? Much of my time is spent in counting, reordering, and drugstore runs.

So..do I feel better for it? Would I be worse without it?

I don't know, but I have been home 5 days and I have yet to gather my poop in a group. I know...vacations can do that, MS can do that, but I feel toxic. Something has to go.

Rebiff and I are on our second trial. I don't know why anyone with an educated mind (or half a one for that matter) would think that doing the same thing as before would produce different results is beyond me. It's also beyond me that I went along with it.

I have titrated up to the full 44mcg dose 3 times a week and I have surrendered 3 sleepless nights and 4 days to the side effects.

Sluggish? Mind fog? The idea of detoxing and starting anew is appealing...but where do you go from here? What are our viable choices when interferons don't agree?

I respect those who have chosen the new road on monoclonal antibodies, it just isn't something I feel comfortable in doing. I never felt comfortable with interferon either, but here I am.

I think I wanna puke.

I'm Baaaaack !

2007-11-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

The Bubbie is back.

We spent two weeks with my daughter in Virginia Beach.

I miss her and the baby already. I promise to bore you with pictures as soon as I get the time to download and go through the hundreds of pics and video I took of my grandbaby.

I'm busy unpacking suitcases, doing laundry, going through the mountainous pile of mail.

I'm making a list. I need groceries, dog food, meds refilled, phone calls to return....

We had a great time in spite of the disease exchange I took part in with my little booger-nosed baby. Everyone else just had a benign, although quite miserable head cold, while I decided to be more dramatic and engage in a high fever for several days. A trip to a doc-in-a-box had them puzzled as to the source of my fever. I tested negative for flu, strep, chest exray was clear (nasty smoker that I am, that was good news), but urine sample was suspicious. A script for Bactrim either worked, or I was already finished with this drama anyway...who knows. So, go in with Upper Respiratory Infection and come out with a UTI...go figure.

I cooked a turkey and lots of veggies, even a pumpkin and cherry pie. It was a very nice Thanksgiving.

My daughter took me to The A.R.E. for one afternoon. For me that is a "must" when in Virginia Beach. We took in a lecture and an excercise in telepathy and I spent some time in the research library. A good friend of her's works there and led me to a ton of interesting material that I will share with you in a future post.

My puppy is whimpering for my attention. I missed the furry varmint. My birds had two eggs hatch before I left and I now have 2 new babies almost ready to fly. One large vanda orchid is ready to bloom and needs my attention. I don't believe it rained here while I was gone. Groceries to buy...where the hell is my list? I should be back to my "normal" in a day or two.

And..oh! I almost forgot my laundry in the wash!

Thanks

2007-11-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving often reminds me of elementary school days, making construction paper turkey's by tracing out outstretched palms, coloring cartoon pictures of Pilgrims wearing funny hats and big buckles on their shoes. I can honestly say I had never given much thought to the lives of those Pilgrims , their arduous journey to America and the hardships they must have endured. We can only imagine, considering we freak out when the electricity goes out, our cell phones can't get a signal or when gasoline tops $3 a gallon. Even if we were cast on Extreme Survivor, there would still be cameramen and medics a few feet away.

I'm counting my blessings and preparing to fly to my daughter's home for the holiday.

In preparation for this Thanksgiving Day, I have listed my lineage with my ancestors back to the Mayflower. Most of the research was done by a cousin of mine (I met online). I find history to be fascinating. I was very surprised to hear that I was a descendant of one of the Mayflower Pilgrims. Weren't they religious? pious? saintly? My relatives? Dig deeper...

According to Wikipedia: John Howland (c. 1599 – 1673) was one of the settlers who travelled from England to North America on the Mayflower and helped found the Plymouth Colony.

Howland was born in Fenstanton, Huntingdonshire, England. At the age of twenty-one, he was employed by John Carver, a Puritan minister who joined with William Bradford in bringing his congregation from Leiden, Netherlands to the New World. Howland, formally considered a servant, was in fact Carver's assistant in managing the migration.
Although he had arrived on the Mayflower as a servant to the Carver family, Howland was a young man determined to make his mark in the new world, arriving as neither a "stranger", nor a "saint" as the Pilgrims termed themselves. The arduous voyage very nearly ended his life as he was thrown overboard, due to turbulent seas, but managed to grab a topsail halyard that was trailing in the water and was hauled back aboard.

Figures...he was a servant lol.

Figures...he was not a saint lol

And THANKFULLY he WAS hauled back aboard!

Besides Bubbie there are many other notable descendants of John Howland. Franklin D.Roosevelt, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, George H.W. Bush, George W. Bush

( You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relative's)

So for all you genealogy fans the tree looks like this:

John Howland who married Elizabeth Tilley
Desire Howland who married John Gorham
Shubael Gorham who married Puella Hussey
Deborah Gorham who married Beriah Fitch
Eunice Fitch who married Benjamin Barnard
Lucinda Barnard who married Barachiah Macy
Jonathan Macy who married Hannah Pierce
Mary Macy who married Jabish Luellen
Jonathan Macy Luellen who married Rebecca Margaret Current
Mary Elizabeth Luellen who married William Andrew Symons
Walter Scott Symons who married Helen Vivian Cubby
Leonard Luellen Symons...and
ME

Through The Looking Glass

2007-11-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

And for my next trick, let me pull out yet another weird, who'd-a-thunk-it, MS symptom out of my err......OK, let's say HAT.

We're driving down the road (thankfully I was a passenger) when I notice what appears to be a large wet spot of the windshield in front of the drivers side. The sun must be hitting it strangely, it's so bright. It's not raining. Did a large seabird just pee on us? As my glance turns, so does the shimmery spot. So it's not some unidentified sparking water on the windshield, it's me. ??

I rub my eyes...still there. I close my eyes...still there. Did I eat strange mushrooms at lunch? Now I feel dizzy. I get home and head for bed. Open my eyes....still there. Go to sleep and the next day I'm ...ahhh, normal.

Headaches have been a normal part of my existence lately. I'm never surprised by them, but this was strange. Since then the bright shimmery looking glass has been in my field of vision off and on, along with what looks like heat waves coming up from hot asphalt on a summer day. When walking into a dark room, I sometimes see tiny spots of lights that trail through the dark abyss. My childish imagination calls them little Tinkerbell's or fairy lights. Cool...nothing to be alarmed about. But, hey...I do take a lot of drugs and who knows. I made a note to tell my neuro when I saw him.

Since I already blurted out all of the above weird symptoms to the doc and he didn't look like he was preparing to send me to an asylum, I decided to let another secret out when he asked if I had noticed any other "perceptual" problems.

( Now I just knew my reservation was going to be sealed for the 12th floor psych ward.)

"Well, now that you mention it, sometimes I feel very tall." I paused and then added, "Expansive", like THAT was going to make it sound better...

( I swear to you, I don't do mushrooms)

He didn't seem to be alarmed, only curious. Hmmmm. He said that it is more common in people with certain types of epilepsy.

Yes....curiouser and curiouser.

I had just recently completed a bout with steroids, so he decided to let this ride. He knew I needed to see my neuro-opthomologist in a few weeks, and he would let her check on all things visual.

See you in 6 weeks....

Headaches and weird visuals began again and right on time for my visit with my neuro-opthomologist yesterday. After her very thorough exam of my visual field, she had me look again at the flip book that has pages of mosaics with numbers hidden in them. Well, the numbers aren't really hidden, it's just that you can't find them if you have lost the ability to differentiate between the colored globules. The findings were that my left eye was worse at this then it was six months ago.

Then came the blinding light of the slit lamp. She took her time examining my extremely dilated eyes (it did look like I was trippin') and then explained to me that I was having "ocular migraines". She could call my neuro and decide if I should have another round of Solu or maybe I could let it slide if some steroid type eye drops would help. It was the look on my contorted face when she mentioned another round of Solu that led her to let me off the hook with drops. I had to promise to be back in two weeks or to call if things worsened.

Well, I have the eye drops, and I have pain meds, and I have my dark glasses, so no need to change my plans for the rest of the month. I'm going to visit my daughter, son in law and grand baby for the last two weeks of November. (*insert sound of Bubbie making "raspberries" to all things and person's neuro)

A little Google search brought me to some interesting websites concerning Ocular migraines and what some call the "ALICE IN WONDERLAND SYNDROME". No, I'm not making this up. Cleveland Clinic neurologist Mary Ann Mays says, "Many of the descriptions conjured for Lewis Carroll’s stories were based on classic migraine experiences. Only a person who had experienced these phenomena would be able to describe them."

Auras typically last 5 to 20 minutes and involve symptoms such as
vertigo (motion sickness or dizziness), imbalance, confusion or numbness;
but most auras consist of visual disturbances such as partial vision loss, the appearance of "special effects" and distortion of objects. Sometimes the visual effects can be dramatic, says Dr. Mays—flashing lights, complex color patterns and shapes (e.g., triangles and dots), and floaters (the perception that some tiny foreign object is floating across the eye). An individual might also
see shimmering or zig zag lines in the peripheral vision and blurriness in central vision.Ocular migraine can produce various degrees of vision loss or obstruction.

Some patients, says Dr. Mays, report blind spots or "holes," referring to
missing sections in the normal visual field, or they may experience a shade of
black or gray over the visual field. Some people compare the visual phenomena of ocular migraine to the patterns produced by an old television with faulty reception, says Dr. Mays.

"Others say it’s like looking through watery glass."

Yup, that's it...a watery sparkling looking glass!

Charles S. Yanofsky,
M.D. wrote: "As
an aside, visual auras have been a topic of fascination for
neurologists for
a very long time. Visual episodes were noted in antiquity. More
recently the
famous neurologist-author Oliver Sacks has written extensively
about them.
Lewis Carroll, author of ALICE IN WONDERLAND, suffered from migraine
and
unusual visual distortions, heralding his headaches still known today as the
"Alice in Wonderland syndrome". Undoubtedly these visions were employed in
his
writings. He might never have been the creative person he was if not for
his
migrainous visions. Undoubtedly migrainous visual phenomena are behind
the
miraculous apparitions in Macbeth, and Ezekiel’s brilliant visions in
the Bible,
and, very likely a good number of other religious hallucinations.
We owe it all
to migraine. To be fair, some of these visionaries had good
imaginations, some
had other disorders causing visual distortions and
hallucinations such as
schizophrenia, but some undoubtedly were migraneurs."
And Here I thought they were just all on drugs.

SUDDENLY IT'S CHRISTMAS !

2007-11-05T11:26:00.000-05:00

Ms. Cheese and I, and probably many of you are on the same page this week. If you have watched any television, or Heaven forbid been out shopping you have been put on notice.

The Season is upon us!

Holy crap Batman, I still have a large bowl of Halloween candy left over! I don't want to think about Christmas yet! Cleaning house, dragging the aged tree and ornaments out of the attic, sending cards, baking all those "special" treats, buying presents! And the lists! What to buy that's thoughtful and special for each one on your list, instead of those last minute generic point of purchase display gifts near the check-out at MalWart.

Why do we put ourselves through this? EVEN THE MOST PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY FIT AMONG US BECOME STRESSED OUT.

What does this have to do with "Career Moves"?

That's the title of the album ,(showing my age again) CD release by Loudon Wainwright that includes the song, "SUDDENLY IT'S CHRISTMAS". I have yet to figure out how to play a song on the blog that isn't on UTUBE, so I have posted the lyrics. If you'd like to hear it try this link:

http://play.rhapsody.com/loudonwainwrightiii/careermoves/suddenlyitschristmas

SUDDENLY IT'S CHRISTMAS

Loudon Wainwright III

Suddenly it's Christmas,Right after Hallowe'en.

Forget about Thanksgiving;It's just a buffet in between.

There's lights and tinsel in the windows;

They're stocking up the shelves;

Santa's slaving at the North Pole

In his sweatshop full of elves.

There's got to be a build-up

To the day that Christ was born:

The halls are decked with pumpkins

And the ears of Indian corn.

Dragging through the falling leaves

In a one-horse open sleigh,

Suddenly it's Christmas,Seven weeks before the day.

Suddenly it's Christmas,The longest holiday.

When they say "Season's Greetings"They mean just what they say:

It's a season,

it's a marathon,

Retail eternity.

It's not over till it's over

And you throw away the tree.

Outside it's positively balmy,

In the air nary a nip;

Suddenly it's Christmas,

Unbuttoned and unzipped.

Yes, they're working overtime,

Santa's little runts;

Christmas comes but once a year

And goes on for two months.

Christmas carols in December

And November, too;

It's no wonder we're depressed

When the whole thing is through.

Finally it's January;

Let's sing "Auld Lang Syne";

But here comes another heartache,

Shaped like a Valentine.

Suddenly it's Christmas,

The longest holiday.

The season is upon us;

A pox, it won't go away.

It's a season,

it's a marathon,

Retail eternity.

It's not over till it's over

And you throw away the tree.

No, it's not over till it's over

And you throw away the tree;

It's still not over till it's over

And you throw away the tree.

Are You Happy Now?

2007-10-29T11:11:00.000-04:00

Enough about Santa...it's too early! This is my Favorite Halloween Song.

Richard Shindell is one of my favorite singer/songwriters and this song always makes me smile.

I've seen him sing this and others live on a few occaisions. It's always a great treat.

Miracle on Bubbie's Street / Secret MS Santa

2007-10-29T08:39:00.000-04:00

It seems I have been tagged by Sherry at Word Salads. The meme is to write the 10 things you would want from your Secret MS Santa without regard to cost. (Permission to go wild)

Considering it's not yet Halloween and we have been conditioned to already think of Santa Clause :

Shorten the Christmas Season. - I went to MalWart last week for Halloween candy and was inundated with all things Christmas! One entire huge area was already designated to overwhelm me with the fact that Christmas lasts 3 freakin months! It's a marathon.

A summer home in a cool elevation. - This summer in south Florida nearly did me in. The heat and the oppressive humidity was literally paralyzing.

A personal secretary.- One that must have accounting and legal experience. My bills need to go out on time, a dozen different pills need to be ordered from the mail order pharmacy in a schedule that I have yet to figure out, insurance claims need to be kept up with and follow ups made to make sure everyone is paid, social security, medicare, taxes, and my personal calender all need to be maintained.

Personal Training Sessions with Cesar, the Dog Whisperer.- That just needs no explanation. If you have ever met the furry monster you know, he's the pack leader.

A Tank.- One like Donald Southerland drove as "OddBall" in the war movie who's name escapes my MS mind. (negative waves, Moriarty) I need one to navigate (run over) traffic on US 41 in South Florida in season. Snow birds can't drive!

A Therapist. - a hypnotist, shaman, voodoo priest, whatever it takes to erase the negative memories and connotations I have with Christmas' past.

Another Therapist.- Specifically, my massage therapist, Chuck. I used to see him once a week and it was joyous! Shiatsu, Acupressure, Neuromuscular, Energy work,soothing music, aromatherapy and candles. Alas, BCBS found reason not to pay him. I want him back!

A Powder Blue Convertible T-Bird. - Now we're getting to the fun stuff. Of course the tank is a necessity, but the t-bird will be the luxury.

Maids.- The maid service I had for my birthday on a regular basis. Whoopie!

A Wonderful Holiday spent with friends and family

You thought I might forget, but NO! I tag Merelyme, Sharon, and our new friend Callie. Let's see your lists.

Woman to Woman?

2007-10-26T11:21:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much to say. Bubbie's world has been pretty uneventful. Nothing terribly amusing, nor any flaring upsets. Not much to talk about until I picked up a little book sized glossy magazine the other day.

I felt compelled to share this with you, dear blog readers. It came free in one of the local rags. It's a local publication called Woman To Woman. On the cover is a photo of a local female doctor. She's a gynecologist but looks like an over 50 model. She appears to be a contemporary southern belle as if she could have been a Miss Georgia or Alabama a few decades ago.

The print below her picture says "Giving Women Something to Talk About". Hmmmm? Woman's issues? Maybe reproductive rights, preventative medicine, ways to lower stress, tips for women in the work place?

WRONG!

The table of contents looked unlikely to be promising. It was divided into departments. There was :

Beauty (of course)

Beauty By Design (looking less interesting)

Health (OK! Hopefully some substance)

Home ( of course...domestic Deva's)

Life (possibly interesting)

So I begin to peruse, and naturally I am not surprised that the articles are just camouflaged advertisements. In the Beauty department we have an article (ad) that asks if you are feeling inexplicably drab this fall. Well, are you? Maybe you need therapy - color therapy! If your locks look less than brilliant you need hair color!

This is followed by an article (ad) for Non-surgical body sculpting. Did you know that it is now possible to selectively sculpt your bulging belly, love handles, double chins and saddlebags with somethings called mesotherapy, lipotherapy and cold lasers?

Does your makeup need a makeover? You have to know the new colors.

Do you not know what style is best for you? There are two women in town that have made a business of coming to your home, rummaging through your closets, and deciding exactly what is right for you. Then they will shop for you and basically dress you for work and play and then you too can have the confidence you lacked because now you are assuredly "In-Style".

Well now, you might have the right hair color, makeup and clothes and still there's something amiss. It's your Boobs! An ad, ooops, no an article on a no visible scar technique of Breast Augmentation. Meet the doctor and see the before and after pics of the now happy women with their bigger perkier boobs.

Now that you have the exciting hair color, the right makeup, wardrobe and new boobs life must be peachy. Oh no...the truth is you're not a kid and the signs of aging are apparent despite the fact that people are now looking at you boobs more than your face. Next article...an Aesthetic-Specialist (guessing not an MD) is offering you a way to reveal your beauty with wrinkle reduction, botox, chemical peels, injectable wrinkle fillers, anti-aging supplements and more! This is followed by several more articles(ads) for whiter teeth and permanent makeup (so you can wake up looking gorgeous).

I'm halfway through the little magazine now. I'm on page 40. Surely there must be something of substance here somewhere. So far all I have seen are negative messages about self image. I'm really not surprised.Not only are we told we have to fight the natural aging process to always look young, in order to be "happy" you have to be made-up, dressed and surgically augmented in an attempt to fit some "ideal". Is Gloria Steinham dead? Didn't we come a long way baby?

Finally. Page 41!

The pretty good doctor from the cover promises to give women "something to talk about"!

OMG!

It says: "With the skill of a surgeon and the gentleness of a woman's touch, Dr.(Southern Belle) is transforming women's lives through feminine rejuvenation surgery."

Now I'm in total disbelief! Shock! With artsy botanical photographs ala Georgia O'Keeffe, the article (ad) describes how women's lives were changed with her skill of creating .......

Have you guessed?

Have you ever heard of this before? Has Bubbie been the only one who hasn't heard that this is now what we should be concerned about? After hair, makeup,clothing, boobs, wrinkles, age spots, and a perfect smile we need the goodly doctor's services for her specialty...sitting down?

She creates: "Designer" Vagina's!

WTH? I read on. A case study...a 52 year old divorced woman found herself ready to face the dating scene again. Her age and the fact that she bore two children changed her body. She had anxiety over having sex again. She felt old and worn out "down there" and was extremely self conscious about opening herself up to the intimacy of sex. She struggled with this feminine issue ( I had no idea this was an issue )that she felt she would simply have to live with because it was something she simply couldn't discuss.

A 43 year old woman and her boyfriend were playfully watching the Playboy channel. (sure) Afterwards she had to ask herself, "Why don't I look like that?" ( I swear, I am taking this right from the pages) Her external folds were elongated and excessive and after having Labiaplasty she felt younger and more confident with a brand new look.

I don't know what to say...hasn't today's woman had enough negative messages about striving to some unattainable standard of beauty to be happy. Anorexic runway models bodies with big unnatural boobs, Botticelli's Birth of Venus, Nefertiti's makeup and now Porn star's "coochies"! Designer Vaginas?????? I'm being told that that is what we need to boost our self esteem!

Not only can the pretty doctor modify the aesthetics of your labia with labiaplasty, she can tighten your vaginal muscles with Vaginalplasty, give you G-spot enhancement using injectable fillers or give you a Hymenorrhaphy. Yes, you can become a virgin once again, lest your old world groom- to -be mark you with a scarlet letter.

Is this just something new to my area of the country? How long has this "service" been in demand? A 5 second Google search assured me that this is nothing new.

The rest of the magazine awaits...I don't know that I can take it. There are more articles(ads) for diets, exercise programs with personal trainers, a how-to article (Not an ad!) for making the perfect holiday wreath for your front door and then, how to ask for and get a raise. I'm guessing that it depends on the boss, and how much of the aforementioned advice and services you have used.

I'm not amused. I'm feeling very sad for our young girls, children and grandchildren. Will they all need makeovers to be happy? Must they strive for some strange standard of perfection from their heads to their toes and now their vagina's?

Is this a "REAL" problem? Living with chronic health conditions can be a cause of stress and Lord knows their are bigger problems we face in this world we live in. I think that if my biggest problem was the aesthetics of my vagina it indeed would be a wonderful world.

Clean House

2007-10-20T19:38:00.000-04:00

"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone." - Gertrude Stein

I am grateful! Well, I am grateful for many, many things. Life, Love, Family,Friends, Health,Wealth, Land, Sky, Air, Puppy Dogs, Flowers, all of that. But for this particular week in time I am grateful for a sparkly clean house!

My quote is about voicing gratitude, but I can't picture Gertrude scrubbing toilets.

I have never been a person who could ever be even remotely confused with a Domestic Goddess. I grew up watching 50's sit coms and was repulsed by Donna Reed in her apron and pearls. (Don't get me started on the Cleavers)

And it's always been my motto that a clean house was a sign of a wasted life. There's just so many things that take precedence over scrubbing grout.

Then there's that Creative Mind theory... what would being a slave to my domicile do to my reputation as an artsy fartsy type? And now there's the difficulty of pushing a mop back and forth without falling on my face into the Mr.Clean.

But still, there's something about the feeling of walking into your own home and everything is CLEAN. Things sparkle that I had forgotten were sparkly. I have a beautiful view now out of my sliding glass doors, not to mention there's nothing sticking to the bottom of my bare feet.

Before you panic, I didn't lose my mind in a steroidal rage and begin a cleaning frenzy. That could never happen. It was a birthday present! My daughter contacted a service that sent two Professional Cleaning Women to my home for FOUR hours!

An amazing present from a very loving a thoughtful daughter. I am grateful!

"Cleaning House" also makes me think of purging, getting rid of things that no longer serve you. Sometimes we can become overwhelmed when our lives become literally or figuratively cluttered. I am distracted easily these days, whether it be from my meds or my disease, and having things organized and clutter free provided a relief to me that I would have never expected. I'm on a roll now. I've gone through my closets, dressers and pantry's and have culled everything that does not serve me now. I am no longer saving things that might fit if I lost a few inches here or there, or shoes that went fabulously with one dress but kill your feet and that one dress has been gone long ago.

It's a fabulous feeling, and all without the pruney fingers and sore back! Maids! An incredible invention. Eat your heart out Donna Reed!